Talking about sex can be scary enough, but talking about masturbation? Many sex therapists even shy away from it. Masturbation is deeply personal, intimate, and for some people an activity that you never admit to doing. Of course, there are some people that never touch themselves for self pleasure and that can be for all kinds of reasons. For clients that are able and willing to try, we encourage them to think of this activity as self care. Just like a walk in the park or taking a shower, self pleasure is an essential activity that not only feels good, but it also has mental, emotional and health benefits. 

Why talk about this?

You might ask, how can my solo-sex acitivities lead to a better sex life with my partner(s)? Our Respark team discusses ways that you can use masturbation as the best tool to improving your sex life. Our clinical manager, Taylor Spaziani explains that more intentional, pleasure focused masturbation can help lead to better sex with your partner(s) by really tuning into yourself and your own turn ons. You can help your partner to identify them in you, too. Knowing yourself sexually can help you in every aspect of your life. 

Taking your time has the potential to not only increase pleasure throughout but it could also make your orgasms stronger. Taking your time to explore your body can also give you a chance to learn new and different ways to pleasure yourself. When you know how to pleasure yourself and what types of touch and stimulation you enjoy, it’s easier to communicate it to your partner. Intentional and pleasure-focused masturbation can lead to more confidence with your lover (or future partner) which, in turn can help you explore more activities. Additionally, focusing on pleasure as the measure, rather than an orgasm, can lead to more pleasure. It can help you slow down and savor it instead of rushing toward orgasm. 

Create space

Expanding on this, our Austin Sex Therapist Zanna Haney Stevanovic explains that by focusing on intentional masturbation you are actually making solo sex a priority in your life. By doing this, you create the space and understanding that engaging in erotic pleasure doesn’t always have to be spontaneous. Zanna notes, **This is a huge myth that almost every couple I see believes. They think the only way sex can be good is if it’s spontaneous. Also, by making masturbation pleasure focused, it creates space to focus on the erotic pleasure rather than the end goal of having an orgasm. Again, pleasure is the measure. Pleasure is the goal. This can help you learn to slow down and not get so focused and distracted by focusing on the finale. This also allows you to explore all your erogenous zones. We suggest you to find out where you like to be touched, where it feels good, rather than just going straight for your genitals. This is great practice for improving partnered sex using your solo sex game.

How to get out of the Covid-19 Masturbation Rut

So… now we know that masturbation does indeed help improve our partnered sex life, but what if we need help spicing up our solo sex life? How do we change it up and get out of this rut?

Toys and Taboo

Try out different types of vibrators on different settings can help us to spice up our solo sex life as well. Focus on pleasure, instead of having orgasm be the goal. Try using the vibrator on different parts of your body in addition to your genitals. It will most likely take a little more time to reach orgasm and that’s okay. Take your time, relax and settle in. The goal is to explore all the different ways you can experience pleasure. Trying a vibrator might not be top of mind for male identified individuals, however there are great ones on the market for people with penises. 

If you don’t like vibration, try a non-vibrating sex toy! This could be a glass dildo, a cock ring or a butt plug. Be patient with yourself when trying out a new toy. The goal is exploring different ways to pleasure yourself. 

Add in some (calculated risk). If you are turned on by risk or taboo sex, try it when there’s a chance your partner might walk in. Or, try it with the blinds slightly open or window cracked so someone passing by might think twice about what they hear.

Check in with yourself

Our clinical manager Taylor gives a few thoughts on how to spice up your masturbation game by changing up your stimuli. Taylor recommends checking in with yourself and ask questions like do you usually fantasize when you masturbate? If so, try watching porn! Do you usually watch porn when you masturbate? Try reading erotica! A few other ways you can spice up your solo sex life is by buying a new fun toy you’ve never tried before, or subscribe to a new toy subscription box. This can help both your solo sex life AND your partnered sex life. Also maybe try changing your location! Do you usually masturbate in bed? Try in front of a mirror! Also, change the time of day. Usually do it at night? Try it mid-day or in the morning.

Add some liquid courage (just one though!)

Respark sex therapist in Texas, Zanna Haney Stevanovic recommends spicing up your solo sex life by treating yourself! She says, get a glass of wine, take a nice bubble bath to create relaxation, explore using different textures (rubbing a feather down your body, using a silk blindfold to touch various parts of your body, etc.) and explore with a couple of different toys. Zanna thinks it’s so important for men to up their solo sex game too. There’s typically the idea that masturbation is just jerking off for men, using your hands in the typical stroking motion, but she emphasizes that men enjoy pressure and rubbing too! You can do this for free by rubbing your genitals against a pillow or a mattress or you can use a unisex toy like the ENBY by wildflower. It’s a vibrating sex toy that men can use to thrust against. If a guy does enjoy stroking as well, it does bend allowing that to be an option. Speaking of men and masturbation, Respark sex therapist, Katie Green suggests exploring prostate play with toys for men and/or finding your p-spot for more intense orgasms. Many men shy away from this type of play and pleasure, however for those that don’t, the rewards are magnificent!

So happy exploring to you and your partner. Get out of that rut and try something new. Take your time and focus on pleasure instead of getting to an orgasm. Go slow, check in with yourself and breathe deeply – You got this!

Contact us to schedule an appointment with Respark Certified Sex Therapist in the Austin or Denver areas (or online throughout Texas and Colorado): 512-537-0922.

Next Steps & Resources:

Ready to take the next step?

Contact us to schedule an appointment 512-537-0922. Or, book a session online through – Schedule an appointment now.

What online counseling options do I have?

For the past decade we have excelled at online therapy, tele-therapy and phone counseling. We have seen couples online and conducted Sex Therapy online through video platforms. Everything can be completed online including your intake, first session all the way through graduation! You can even find a Respark Therapist or Coach and book your first session online without having to pick up the phone. Many of our clients love online therapy as there are so many pros! Learn more about our online couples therapy, online individual therapy and online Sex Therapy process here.

What is Respark all about?

We have therapists throughout all of Texas and Colorado. We offer the best couples therapy and sex therapy because our team had 200+ hours of training post graduate. Many of them are already certified or about to become certified sex therapists. We have therapists trained in trauma, EMDR, eating disorders and Health at Every Size informed.

I want to become a sex therapist or sexual health professional, how do I do that?
Check out our podcast with Respark Founder, Heather McPherson at Practice Outside the Lines.

I want to become a certified sex therapist or certified sex coach or educator?

We also started one of the largest sexual health training organizations in the country. Check out Sexual Health Alliance for sexuality certification programs.

I need additional support around growing my sexual health focused practice as a sex therapist, sex coach or sexuality professional. Where can I find more information?

We started Practice Outside the Lines to support new and seasoned sexuality professionals learn how to start and grow a sexual health focused business.