The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship

Esther Perel gave a TED talk a couple years ago that made her rather famous. She asks some poignant questions about relationships and desire which are listed as follows:

Why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who love each other so much? 

Can we want what we already have? Why is the forbidden so erotic? 

Why does sex make babies and why do babies blow eroticism for parents? 

The famous couple’s therapist, Esther Perel explains that desire is an expression of our individuality, preferences, identity, etc. It has become a concept of modern love. This is the first time in history that we want sex over time about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire with our long term partners. 

Esther Perel explains that we have two fundamental human needs that contradict each other when finding the perfect long term lover. The first is a need for security, predictability, safety, dependability, reliability, permanence. She calls this anchoring, grounding experiences. The second is adventure, novelty, mystery, danger, journey, and travel. 

Now, we want our partner to be all the above, plus our best friend, and other major important roles. In previous days, an entire village used to provide these qualities for us, and now we ask for this from just one person. 

The crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination. So, how do love and desire relate? How do they conflict?

Love = to have.

Desire = is to want. Desire needs space.

Throughout Esther’s studies around the world, she asked this from lovers in all locations: “When do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?” 

Across the world a few answers that keep coming back are:

1. When they are away, when we are apart, when we reunite – this is when our imagination comes back into the picture 

2. When I see them in the studio, on stage, in their element, when they’re talking bout something they are passionate about. – Radiant, and confidence. 

3. When i’m surprised, when I laugh together, when he’s in his tuxedo, etc. – about novelty, what parts of you do you bring out? What parts of you are just being seen?

Other ingredients to erotic spark include imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, mystery, and of course, IMAGINATION. Imagination is one of the main ingredients that make a love erotic. We are the only ones who can make love for hours, have a blissful time, have multiple orgasms and touch no body! We have the ability to imagine it as if something is happening while nothing is happening at the same time. 

“Mystery is not about traveling to new places, but about looking with new eyes.”

Eroticity is the anecdote to death. It brings us back to life. Ask yourself “I turn off my desires when…” “I turn myself off when…” Being able to turn off the offs will always help spark desire. Now, ask yourself the reverse. “I turn myself on when….” “I turn on my desires when…” “I wake up when…”

The very ingredients that nature love are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire. Desire comes with lots of feelings that aren’t so much favorites of love. The erotic mind is not very politically correct. In our mind, a host of things are going on that we don’t always know how to bring to the person we love. Desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness. 

We are born with the need to reconcile these two different kinds of needs.  

Passion comes and goes, erotic couples understand that. The most important thing is that they know how to bring it back. It’s not just going to fall from the sky, it takes work. Committed sex is premeditated sex. It’s willful, and intentional. 

Watch the Esther Perel’s TED talk here and talk it over with your partner. Let us know what you think.

Contact us to schedule a Couple’s Therapy appointment in Colorado or Texas by calling us: 512-537-0922.

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