Learning Your Arousal Type
You’ve learned about the 5 love languages and the way they can translate into your relationship, but have you heard about arousal types? Doctor of Human Sexuality Emily Morse goes into detail about these on her podcast Sex With Emily (which I totally recommend to everyone and everyone). Love languages and arousal types are both simply approximations, however, there is great utility seen within them. Learning your arousal type can not only allow you to connect more with your body and mind but improve your sex life massively. My birth control has massively reduced my libido (thanks Rigevidon!) and I found myself in a rut—I never seemed to desire sex. But listening to Emily’s podcast has completely changed my feeling toward my body and sex as a whole.
Before discussing arousal types, Emily takes time to go over the essential differences between desire and arousal. It is incredibly easy to confuse and conflate arousal with desire, and although they sound similar, they are rather different. She summarizes that: “The two are related, but there’s a crucial difference: desire is a psychological wanting, but an arousal is a bodily event. And to desire anything—be it a person or a piece of chocolate cake—there is always a beat between the wanting and the satisfaction.” Desire is about motivation; it is what moves you to act. Arousal is preparation, the physical manifestation of your desire as your body gets ready for whatever appealing thing is about to happen. As the name suggests, learning what your arousal type means taking time to notice your bodily cues—what do you feel when you are aroused? Do your cheeks get flushed? Or do you notice a change in your breathing? I can only summarize mine as “tingles” in and arousal my vaginal region. Learning your signs of arousal can allow you to connect the dots between those sensations of arousal, and what had set it off. This can then allow you to learn what your arousal type is.
Arousal Through Conversation
Someone who experiences this type of arousal may love to talk, relate to one another, laugh together, and essentially create an emotional connection as their lead into sex. Before sex or any touching even begins, this person needs to feel safe and relaxed through communication. There needs to be time to catch up and establish a connection again before sex can occur. As the conversation progresses, there could be anything that “gets the juices flowing” as Emily likes to say—this could be anything from some sustained eye contact, to giggling together.
Emily suggests one way to practice this is by having what she terms a sit-down date. To do so, choose a place where you can catch up and focus on each other, with minimal distractions. This could be going to your favorite restaurant together and leaving your phones at home, or a romantic evening of cooking together and dancing in the kitchen. During this time you need to “ask questions, lead with curiosity and share genuine and thoughtful responses.” Zoning out and occasionally nodding when your partner is speaking to you is not going to establish that connection needed, and if their arousal type is through conversation, this poor connection will lead to nothing.
Arousal Through Touch
The person with this arousal type wants to hug, hold hands, and make a lot of skin contact as they get ready for sex. Emily explains that this person is “not physically stand-off-ish at all, and it’s the tactile connection between the two of you that causes their heart to pound.” It is not the touch itself that plays the main role, but the way that it happens. Cuddling and then flicking their nipple isn’t going to do anything—there needs to be a build-up. Start with something neutral and sweet like a hug, and then, as you read your partner’s body language, you can offer a more suggestive touch. This of course needs to be based on prior communication and boundaries—never touch your partner in a way they have expressed is off-limits.
Arousal Through Visuals
This arousal type entails a person who gets turned on by what they see: it could be YOU looking damn sexy, your partner looking sexually appealing, or even a vivid fantasy or dream. Emily elaborates that people who experience this may find using “sexy media” for arousal (like ethical porn) helpful. This should be done within reason, and within boundaries established in your relationship—but if you get turned on by visuals, media could be an effective “arousal runway” as sex educator Ian Kerner states. One way to boost their arousal type is the act of complimenting; something as simple as “you look hot in that outfit” can fuel arousal. Sharing visual fantasies can be another way to help with arousal, and something I found has helped me massively. Sharing fantasies or ideas can help to get them excited, with the anticipation resulting in arousal. Telling them anything like “I can’t wait to do X to you”, or “I love seeing you tied up and under my control” can really rev the motor.
Arousal Through Play
This includes activities ranging from roleplay to kink. Anything exploratory can fall under this play category. Those who experience this arousal type are typically highly imaginative and connected to fantasy. Furthermore, people who are aroused by play often thrive when their partner is open to new experiences, in and out of the bedroom. This arousal type does involve some prior research. For example, if you have decided to give wax play a go, don’t pop out to Walmart and pick up the first candle you see, but take time to research and learn all the safety elements of wax play before trying it out. Emily refers to an example of “Sexy Strangers” that her friends with the play arousal type engage in. This game involves meeting your partner in a public place and pretending you are strangers, getting to know each other (whether that be your real self or fake persona!), and seeing where it leads! This is seen in the TV series Modern Family with married couple Claire and Phil playing sexy strangers as Valentine’s idea, creating the alter egos of Clive Bixby and Juliana.
Arousal Through Physical Adventure
This person can experience arousal through doing something heart-pounding: working out, hiking, or doing anything that allows them to get into their body, and watch their partner get into it too. Being active releases the feel-good chemicals and hormones that can result in sexual arousal. Note that having this arousal style does not mean you need to run a marathon to have sex, but you may just need to do something heart-pumping in order to get into the mood. Practicing this arousal type involves taking time to plan a situation where you can be active together, whether this is a simple walk around the neighborhood, or a morning swim together.
You can fall into multiple categories of arousal styles. Some days you may simply need that connection established through conversation to get into the mood, and other times you need something new and exciting gained through play. In the same way, love languages can differ in relationships, and so can arousal styles. It is therefore likely that you and your sexual partner have different arousal styles, but nothing some communication can’t overcome. Next time you realize you are experiencing arousal, take a moment to see what has set it off. Did your partner just come back from work in that suit you love him wearing? Or perhaps you just read an article on something new you would like to try in the bedroom. If you find yourself struggling to relate to any of these arousal types, that is totally okay! It may just take the time or more experience for you to learn this. It has taken me two years of dating my partner and writing this article to realize what my arousal style is!
Not Sure What Your Arousal Type Is?
Take our quiz to learn your arousal type!
Next Steps
Now that you know your arousal type…now what? Learning your arousal type helps you spark passion and create joy in all your relationships. Explore ways to tap into your arousal type with your own exercises, mindfulness, or with the help of a coach or therapist! Learn which Respark coach or therapist is right for you by taking our quiz below or connect with our Care Team at: care@respark.co or call (512)-537-0922.
By Stephanie McCartney
