Intimacy and Sex with Erectile Dysfunction

By Michelle | June 1, 2021

Erectile dysfunction is a very common sexual issue for penis owners. This issue can cause sex with erectile dysfunction to seem daunting for many. Erectile dysfunction, ED for short, “(or impotence) is when you have trouble getting or keeping an erection.” (healthgrades) There are many reasons why ED can occur, below are a few:

Stress, anxiety or depression
Problems in the relationship
Sleep disorders
Alcohol and tobacco use
Certain medicines
Fatigue
Brain or spinal cord injuries (healthgrades)

There is a common misconception that those who experience ED are unable to sustain intimacy within their relationships because they are unable to keep their penis erect long enough to have sex/ satisfy their partner(s). Intimacy/sex with erectile dysfunction is more than possible! There are other ways to engage in intimacy with erectile dysfunction that are both pleasurable and satisfying. If you’re struggling with ED and intimacy, sex therapy is a great place to start. The reason being is that communication is key when it comes to enhancing intimacy and a sex therapist can help establish that line of communication for you. More than this, sex therapy can help you overcome any issues that have come along with ED as a result of societal ideologies regarding intimacy and erections. It’s a common misconception that an “erection means a man is ready for sex” (abc), this isn’t the case! In actuality, “a person with a penis can feel turned on without an erection, and even orgasm and ejaculate.” (abc) In this sense, it’s useful to explore the ways in which one can have closeness without an erection!

How To Have Sex with Erectile Dysfunction

Mark Held, a clinical psychologist in the Denver CO area, has some recommendations for those struggling with ED. He provides the following tips in an article for Everyday Health:

Be playful with each other. Try to have a light and playful attitude while still being supportive of each other. “Be in the moment and focus on pleasing the other person. Don’t worry about what will happen…Keep your eyes open. Look at each other.
Get creative with foreplay. The prelude to lovemaking doesn’t have to start in the bedroom. “Watch a sexy movie,” says Held. “Be more adventurous. Ask yourselves what was a fun time when you were dating. Baseball games? Music? Concerts?”
Think about sex in new ways. Don’t let erectile dysfunction be the center of attention. “Consider manual or oral stimulation,” says Held. “Use a vibrator to stimulate your partner — but don’t use it to try to achieve an erection. Take the focus off the penis.” (everydayhealth)

The last bullet point is where I want to center your attention- Think about sex in new ways. It’s true that “Many people with a penis see an erection as an important part of giving and receiving pleasure.” (abc) Matt Tilley, a clinical psychologist, and lecturer in sexology at Curtin University emphasized this point in an article for ABC every day. Tilley notes the following:

“A person with a penis doesn’t require a full erection to have a pleasurable sexual encounter. They can still experience high levels of stimulation and pleasure without an erection.” (abc)

In this sense, if you’re struggling with ED it could be beneficial to think about sex and intimacy in a new way- one that isn’t centered around getting and maintaining an erection. Tilley recommends thinking about sex in a more holistic way of focusing on the whole of a sexual experience rather than just penetrative sex. This is primarily because penile penetration is often difficult for those with ED- but most other things that can be pleasurable for a person with an erect penis can also be pleasurable for someone with a flaccid penis! Dr. Chris Fox, a senior lecturer in sexology at the University of Sydney says that “If there is no chance of erection, it’s about playing with a flaccid penis using lubrication, and also exploring the genitals and body as a whole… the perineum and anus, the nipples and other erogenous zones around the body.” (abc) It’s important to note that the genitals are not the only pleasurable organs in the human body, there are many other areas to explore. If you’re struggling with ED I urge you to try exploring these other areas of your body that Dr, Fox notes. The anus, for example, is where the prostate gland can be found for penis owners. The prostate gland is sometimes referred to as the “p-spot” and “when stimulated, the p spot creates an intensely pleasurable sensation during orgasm.” (getopt) This area can be a great place to start your exploration and to enhance intimacy with ED, as one can experience intense orgasms without an erection!

By: Alyssa Morterud

Next Steps & Resources:

What online counseling options do I have?

For the past decade we have excelled at online therapy, tele-therapy and phone counseling. We have seen couples online and conducted Sex Therapy online through video platforms. Everything can be completed online including your intake, first session all the way through graduation! You can even find a Respark Therapist or Coach and book your first session online without having to pick up the phone. Many of our clients love online therapy as there are so many pros! Learn more about our online ED therapy process.

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We have therapists throughout all of Texas and Colorado. We offer the best couples therapy and sex therapy because our team had 200+ hours of training post graduate. Many of them are already certified or about to become certified sex therapists. We have therapists trained in trauma, EMDR, eating disorders and Health at Every Size informed.