An Introduction to Postcoital Dysphoria
Due to the release of hormones and heightened emotional activity during sex, some may experience a period of altered emotions, otherwise referred to as postcoital dysphoria, after sex has ended. Common responses include sleepiness, happiness, and relaxation, but these are not the only emotional responses that can present after sex. For some, sex is followed by feelings of sadness, irritability, anxiety, and dissatisfaction, which is referred to as postcoital dysphoria. Postcoital dysphoria is not a symptom of “bad sex” but rather an emotional response that can be caused by many past events or mental/emotional experiences. Even if both partners have consensual, pleasurable sex, one or both partners could still experience this condition.
What causes this?
This condition is most common in vulva-owners, however, it has been reported by people of all gender identities. Little research has been done into the underlying causes of postcoital dysphoria, but sexuality academics and therapists tend to agree on a few potential circumstances that can lead to this emotional response, one is a dissonance between your expectations of intimacy and the reality you have experienced. This can occur when you experience intimacy outside of your usual habits, such as when participating in casual sex if you are accustomed to relationships or vice versa. It also may occur if the sexual encounter was different or less fulfilling than you had expected, or if you know that you will not be able to repeat the experience again. The feelings associated with this experience typically include disappointment, anxiety, or dissatisfaction.
Another cause of this experience may be a lack of post-sex aftercare. Aftercare is critically important, especially if the sexual experience involves activities outside of one’s typical experience, including experimentation with kink and BDSM. Aftercare can take the form of intimate cuddling, pillow talk, or participating in a shared activity like watching a movie or sharing a meal. The purpose of aftercare is to reinforce the safety and intimacy between partners after sexual experiences, which can also regulate emotional responses. If aftercare is missing from a sexual encounter, one or more partners may experience postcoital dysphoria in the form of sadness, anxiety, and loneliness.
One may also experience postcoital dysphoria if intimacy is bringing up feelings of shame and past trauma. This can include any past experiences—notably physical, emotional, or sexual abuse—which may continue to affect one’s sexual experience. It can also include mental states such as discomfort in one’s body, PTSD, childhood trauma, or inherited shame from a religious or conservative upbringing. These past experiences can manifest in varying ways, even when it feels like they have been resolved or forgotten. Experiencing different emotions around sex and intimacy is completely normal, and may just be a sign that further work in self-reflection or therapy may be useful to return to your comfort level.
What can you do to mitigate the effects?
Communicating openly about this experience with your partner or partners is a great starting point to approach any postcoital dysphoria you may be experiencing. If you feel comfortable opening up about the circumstances surrounding this, which may relate to past trauma, you may choose to share this. In many cases, beginning to open up can be the first step toward working through trauma, and at the very least this communication can allow you to feel less anxiety surrounding your emotional response. If your partner(s) is made aware of your condition, they will know that any potential negative emotional response after intimacy is not directed at them or caused by them.
If you feel that postcoital dysphoria may be caused by something in your relationships, such as a lack of aftercare or intimacy, it may be time for a deeper conversation with your partner(s). Having open discussions about the emotions that come up and the causes behind them will strengthen your connection, and lead to a more positive emotional response for everyone involved. One helpful strategy for navigating these conversations is to lead with your own experiences and emotions, instead of blaming the other person and allowing space for them to share their emotions too.
Consider seeking therapy to uncover the underlying factors contributing to your experience. There are many kinds of therapy that can improve post-traumatic stress responses and trauma responses, including somatic therapy which connects the physical body and emotional needs through meditation, massage, dance, and other forms of movement. Focusing on healing the emotional being and the physical being together can be especially helpful when dealing with conditions like postcoital dysphoria, which are brought on by physical events. Your emotional experience will always be connected to your relationships, so consider seeking sex therapy or couples therapy to work through these emotions with your partners.
The most important takeaway here is that you are not alone in any of these feelings. There is no single experience of sex and intimacy, and no right way to feel about it. We are all growing and evolving, and our experiences along the way shape the way we feel and act now, even subconsciously. You have the opportunity to listen to what your body is telling you and work on understanding the root of your emotions, with the goal of returning to the positive relationship with sex and intimacy that you deserve.
By Sydney Sullivan