21 Questions You Have Always Wanted to Ask a Dominatrix/Domme

When people think of BDSM, most of the public’s knowledge of it is limited to 50 Shades of Gray and 365 Days, both of which the BDSM community deems as highly inaccurate and problematic. So I sat down ask a Dominatrix the most common questions that you have always wanted to know the juicy answers to. Mistress Lockley/ML (a pseudonym via Anne Rice’s Beauty trilogy), is in her early 30’s, lives in central Texas, and has been a professional Dominatrix/Domme for 4 years. While she wishes to remain anonymous due to the nature of her work and the public reception that she would receive, she was kind enough to answer all my questions via a Zoom call. Bubbly and friendly, she is a direct contrast to what most people believe a Domme to be, and seemed eager to clarify some misconceptions that she says “bug the bejeesus” out of her. After some terrible kink-related dad jokes, she was ready to get down to business and help me “whip” the public’s opinion of her into tiptop shape.

Question 1: How would you describe the job description of a Dominatrix to someone who has never heard of it before?
ML-“I love to describe myself as more of a therapist than a sex worker. I, personally, do not actually have sex or provide physical sexual release for any of my clients, although that is a decision to be made by each individual worker on their own. I provide an environment for people to give up control of themselves and their needs to a competent, stern yet loving caretaker. I also allow for physical “punishments” in order to work through emotional roadblocks as needed, and I always support my submissive with aftercare and encourage self-care. I strongly consider myself a type of unconventional therapist!”

Question 2: What do you think the main distinctions between Dominatrix services and more traditional sex work are?

ML-“So, for myself personally, I mainly focus on impact/rope play, verbal commands including both praise and degradation, a lot of communication about limits and needs and less so on sexual gratification. While my clients may gain gratification from my actions, my goal is to allow for them to work through both control issues and allow a controlled regression to a safe mental and emotional place for them.”

Question 3: What is a popular misconception about BDSM that you would like to clear up?
ML-“That consent is not the most important part and that the dominant party is the one in control! Every rule (within actions I have offered), as to what occurs to the submissive is decided by the submissive only and those limits are set in stone. I, though I am viewed as the one in control, can and will only go as far as my sub has consented to allow me. Even if my submissive changes the rules, I require a 48 hour thinking period before I will allow a change in any rules to account for what sounds good “in the moment” but is later regretted.”

Question 4: What advice would you give to single people or couples considering employing the services of a Domme?
ML-“Come with your own ideas, but remember that some things are better as fantasy; in other words listen to your Dominatrix’s guidance, it’s there for a reason. I have my own guidelines and rules, and while being suspended from your apartment ceiling with homemade hemp rope may sound great, it really becomes an awkward insurance call waiting to happen. My other piece of advice would be communication and agreement between all parties involved is a necessary part; if one party is even slightly unsure, it’s a no. Last but not least, I am a person myself, not an object for you to use, respect me as such.”

Question 5: How did you get started on this career path?
ML-“I frequented BDSM clubs in my area and found that while there was a high demand for female Dominatrix’s, most dominant roles were claimed by men. In other words, the market was there. I found myself another Dominatrix to shadow and learn from and eventually went to work with her and her security guard so that I could learn the ropes (haha) safely.”

Question 6: What is the most common request you get?
ML-“The most common request I receive is absolutely pegging. While I do not do so, I am willing to pass them on to people that do or provide praise or degradation both before and after they achieve the intended goal through self stimulation.”

Question 7: What is the most unusual request you ever received?
ML-“I would probably say the gentleman who wanted to have various chopped up fruits inserted into him so that he can be a human “fruit salad”. Although still, to this day, I have never figured out if he was serious or not, as he didn’t call back after I said no.”

Question 8: How often do women employ your services?
ML-“On the occasions I am employed by women, I am mainly “training” them on how to be more dominant in their own relationships with consenting partners. Other than that, it’s pretty rare.”

Question 9: What advice would you give someone considering working as a Domme?
ML-“Oh I have plenty! Always study under another Domme first, have security on speed dial, and have a contract of all rules and limits on paper! I also find it helpful to allow yourself (if you are comfortable with it), to be the submissive to someone else that you trust first, so that you fully understand what you are asking of your clients and what the effects of your actions will be.”

Question 10: What do you think is the appeal in being dominated that makes people willing to pay for it?
ML-“Real life is stressful. While I am a millennial and that seems to be our catchphrase, I do mean it. The ability to relax and let someone else take control is something that most of us haven’t gotten to experience since childhood and while this may seem the complete opposite of relaxing to some, for my clients it is the only time of their life that they can let their guard down. And that is priceless.”

Question 11: What precautions are normal to take in order to ensure your own safety?
ML-“Pre COVID, I had my own security that would remain in the room with me. He was tipped out at the end of the night, just like in other industries. Now in addition to my security, I only do actions with all parties fully masked, temperature checked, and preferably using objects for impact play that use distance like my whip or cat o’ nine tails.”

Question 12: How important is pain in the act of domination?
ML-“Not, actually. Domination and submission are almost entirely a mindset, not a physical action. While pain comes into the party as needed, it is merely a tool to help overcome emotional hurdles, it is not the end goal on it’s own.”

Question 13: What percentage or type of people do you think would enjoy Domme play but don’t realize it?
ML-“I believe that anyone can and should try BDSM with a Dominatrix as a whole at one point, so long as it is done properly and with consent! So, 100!”

Question 14: What are normally the hard limits of activities Dominatrix won’t perform?
ML-“Those absolutely vary from one person to another, just like anything. For myself, I don’t offer physical sex/stimulation. I have just never felt comfortable with it.”

Question 15: Do you have a personal favorite activity or unique niche you like to offer?
ML-“My very favorite is vocal role play! I received a series of accent lessons as a gift one year as a joke and they have let me explore so many characters that I am able to successfully act out.”

Question 16: Do you think Dominatrix’s help people?
ML-“I like to think of it more as we help people help themselves. I am merely helping you work through personal issues, I do not solve them. One of the most important parts of my job is to not only provide aftercare to make sure my sub is in a good headspace when they leave me, but to encourage them to think about what they can do to better take care of themselves. I also encourage them to journal on what emotions are occurring during our sessions to help work through those emotions.”

Question 17: Do you have a personal favorite experience you like to recall?
ML-“I once had a client who merely wanted to be my ottoman for 2 hours while I read to him from gossip magazines. Not only was it relaxing for me, I got caught up on the latest celebrity news at the same time!”

Question 18: What is the one thing you would like people to remember when they employ you?
ML-“I am a human being, as I said earlier. Respect me like you would want to be respected. My limits and rules deserve to be followed just like yours.”

Question 19: Does your real life cross over into your work at any point?
ML-“I have actually run into several clients in real life, once while doing my taxes! Generally, I do not approach them nor even show I have seen them, and wait for them to approach me. If they do, I do not bring up how we know each other unless the client makes it clear that they would like to discuss it.”

Question 20: What would be some of the wrong reasons someone turns to Dominatrix’s?
ML-“I will say that I have had several men who thought they could prove their “strength and masculinity” by trying to dominate a Dominatrix. That is the quickest way to not only be thrown out on your face, but possibly have charges pressed. We are not a challenge!”

Question 21: Does it make you happy/personally fulfilled?
ML-“That is a question I have never thought of! Um…I think so. I genuinely enjoy helping people and this is a way that I have found to do so. While it may be unconventional, I think it meets certain needs that I don’t think my client’s feel comfortable approaching others with.”

Ask a Dominatrix get some interesting answers! Now after all of the questions had been answered, and with plenty of interruptions from pets on both sides, I left our meeting with a new opinion of what the BDSM community truly represents. Listening to her describe how much she cared for her clients and how much she saw herself as a tool for help, it also made me think of how important sexual acceptance and kink positivity is in our society. At ReSpark, all of our therapists are sex knowledgeable, kink positive, and trained to work with all types of clients. I found it incredibly telling how similar the end goals were, though the methods were quite different. After all, it is also our goal to help others work through not only their emotions in regard to sex, but even, to work out all the kinks along the way.
Happy Spanking!
-<3 the ReSpark team

 

Written by: Alena Newland