What Makes a Therapist Kink-Aware or Kink-Friendly?

While many people worry about what a therapist will think of them when they step into the office and display their vulnerability, people who enjoy kink may be especially concerned about being judged by their therapist–and other negative fallout. Unfortunately, we live in a society that isn’t always sex-positive, so kinky people’s fears aren’t unfounded. Patients have been made to feel like deviants and abuse victims, and professionals have made incorrect diagnoses based on clients’ kink orientation, according to the 2008 Survey of Discrimination and Violence Against Sexual Minorities. And all of this is despite the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA) DSM stating that kink orientations are only a problem if they interfere with daily life or well-being.

Furthermore, finding a therapist or other mental health provider who is open to working with kinky clients might not be enough. Therapists are often lacking when it comes to sex education, with 90% only learning about sexual disorders. If pleasure isn’t even taught, how do therapists learn about less common subjects like kink?  Often, people with alternative lifestyles and sexualities such as kink find themselves educating their therapists about their lifestyles rather than working on their issues with a therapist who is already knowledgeable about kink (perhaps through SHA’s Kink Informed Certification Program).

Fortunately, some organizations and professionals recognize the significance of openness and familiarity with kink. The terms “kink-aware” and “kink-friendly” have become more common, and providers who match these descriptions often advertise themselves as such, as we do at Respark. However, people searching for prospective therapists need to know a bit about these descriptions to find the right provider.

Kink-Aware Versus Kink-Friendly 

First, kink-aware and kink-friendly do not mean the same thing. These labels describe two awareness levels outlined by the Kink Clinical Practice Guidelines. The levels are as follows.

• Kink-friendly therapists are open to working with clients who engage in kink without judgment, but their level of knowledge about kink is minimal
• Kink-aware therapists have more knowledge about kinky culture and activities and have worked with at least one kink-identified client in the past
• Kink knowledgeable therapists have the greatest knowledge of the culture and can provide affirmative care that is empathetic and focuses on individual experiences

Kinky clients may not need a therapist with kink awareness if the issues they want to work on are unrelated to their kinks. However, some clients may prefer a therapist who is at least kink-friendly in the event the topic ever comes up.

Of course, some concerns may stem specifically from a person’s interest or involvement in kink, and people seeking therapy with their kink partners may have to bring up their lifestyle. So a therapist who is kink-aware or knowledgeable may be necessary.

Finding a Kink-Aware Therapist

Several databases exist to help anyone who is looking for a kink-friendly, aware, or knowledgeable therapist. These directories are also useful for kink-friendly therapists who want to reach prospective clients and expand their client base.

Clients who desire a kink-aware therapist can search the Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) database by the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom. Although providers can submit themselves to this database without vetting, searchers can the level of kink, poly, or swinger awareness to find suitable.

Another option to connect therapists with clients is Stellar Pro, which includes a search for “sex-positive, kink allied” therapists. This database offers several perks, including verification of credentials. Providers can specify whether they’re accepting new clients or offer online therapy and even upload introduction videos, which can be helpful for potential clients.

Sexual Health Alliance (SHA) offers a Kink Informed Certification led by talented sex and kink educator Midori. Therapists who complete this program can place a banner on their websites, signaling to visitors that they have received education specifically about kink. Rather than simply taking the therapist’s word that they are kink-aware, potential clients can get that verification from a third party–the Sexual Health Alliance verifies this education as a third party.

Vetting a Potential Therapist

While a kink-informed certification badge helps people vet potential providers, not all kink-aware therapists are certified like Respark’s kink therapists. They may still have the experience and knowledge a client is looking for, however. A few questions can provide clients with the information they need to choose a therapist, so providers should expect to hear something similar to the following.

• How many kinky clients have you worked with in the past? Would any of them offer testimonials?
• How have you educated yourself about kink?
• How do you plan to learn about kink if you’re not familiar with it?

The therapist’s answers–and the way they answer–can help clients determine if they’re honest about their familiarity with kink and a good fit. 

Of course, these questions don’t replace other vetting someone might do of a potential therapist, including questions about the provider’s specialty, approach, experience, costs, education, training, and work with diverse clients. 

The therapist-client relationship is vulnerable, which is why it’s critical for the right therapists and patients to find one another. The tools listed above can make that hunt easier for clients and providers, no matter what level of kink awareness is needed.

By Nicole Martinez

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