Sexual Surrogacy in the Bedroom

Sexual surrogacy therapy is supportive and meant to foster self-awareness, healthy boundaries, and good communication before any sexual contact. The practice is an excellent resource for sex therapists as sexual surrogacy is a therapeutic practice designed to help people become more comfortable with sex, their body, and/or the emotional and physical skills they need for intimacy. The process can be quite helpful for those who aren’t comfortable with or are new to having sex.  In order for surrogacy to be effective, legal, and ethical, there is a specific framework that must be followed by the client, psychotherapist, and the surrogate partner. This collaborative format is known as the Triadic Model because there is a triad of individuals working together to achieve the client’s goals. It’s important to understand that the relationship between a client and a sexual surrogate is not one of romantic nature, but rather it’s a temporary relationship intended to educate the client on social, emotional, and physical intimacy skills within a real-life environment. The therapist is positioned in the background as a support mechanism and continues talk therapy with the client, and remains in communication with the surrogate regarding what is best for the client. Individuals who participate in sexual surrogacy therapy typically have similar backgrounds. The client would have had no existing partner and no real ability to enter into an intimate relationship independently. Some clients have high levels of social anxiety or histories of trauma or abuse, othersome have disabilities, and others still have concerns that prevent them from believing they can enter into a successful intimate relationship without therapeutic support. Some folks who may benefit from the healing powers of partner surrogacy include:

• trauma and abuse survivors
• folks with little or no sexual experience
• penis-owners with erectile dysfunction or early ejaculation
• vulva-owners with vaginismus, or other pelvic floor dysfunction that may make penetrative intercourse painful
• people who struggle with body acceptance or body dysmorphia
• people who have anxiety or fear, specifically around sex, intimacy, and touch
• folks with disabilities that make it more challenging to have sex

One’s sex therapist often recommends sexual surrogacy to complement talk therapy. You can not access a certified sex surrogate without the help of your therapist. A sex therapist will never be one’s sex surrogate, which goes against the ethical code of conduct. 

Behind the Scenes of Sex Surrogacy

First and foremost, it’s important to note that the techniques used by sexual surrogates are professional techniques that have been learned through ethical training. They may use touch, breathwork, mindfulness, relaxation exercises, and social skills training to help a client meet their specific therapy goals. Some things a treatment plan may incorporate include:

• making eye contact
• meditation
• sensate focus
• breathing exercises
• body mapping
• one-way or mutual nudity
• one- or two-way touch (above or below clothing)
• intercourse (guided by safer-sex practices)

Sexual surrogacy is a practice that is often viewed as controversial in mainstream media. It’s misunderstood to center around explicit sexual contact and intercourse. In actuality, not all clients are sexual with their surrogate partners. Moreover, surrogate partners need to be certified through programs such as the Surrogate Partner Collective or SPC. Surrogate Partner Collective (SPC) certified surrogate partners continually assess the readiness of the client to engage in therapeutically relevant activity using the following criteria: (1) the activity is necessary for the client to reach their goals, and (2) the surrogate, therapist, and client all agree that a foundation has been established, based on what has been done previously, that would allow that behavior to be corrective and therapeutic. In this sense, sexual activity only occurs if the previous criteria are met. It’s important to remember that the process of sexual surrogacy is not centered around physical intimacy but rather focuses on the mental and emotional needs/goals of the client. 

It’s often difficult to find a media portrayal of sexual surrogacy that is not centered around eroticism. The Sessions is a film that portrays the work of sexual surrogates. The film is based on the true story of sex surrogate Cheryl Cohen Greene and her work with Berkeley-based poet and journalist Mark O’Brien, who was confined to an iron lung after contracting polio at age 6. In an interview for HuffPost, Greene talks about the film’s accuracies and her work as a real-life sex surrogate. She notes how important sex is, especially for individuals with disabilities, “They have the same needs and desires as those of us who don’t live with a physical disability… [surrogate partners] offer people the education and experience that can help them move forward in their lives from a more secure, more knowledgeable place.” Sexual surrogacy is all about education and acceptance; it’s not centered around sexual pleasure. The film is a great watch for anyone interested in seeing a more accurate media depiction of sexual surrogacy. 

By Alyssa Morterud