Respark & Playboy Magazine Interview on Hot Wife and Cuckolding

By Respark | January 13, 2021

Our founder and director of Respark, Heather McPherson was interviewed for Playboy Magazine alongside Dr. David Ley about hotwifing and cuckolding in December of 2016. Because of this famous interview, Heather was recently interviewed again on this subject because of Jerry Falwell in the media and additionally invited to comment on a couple of different media outlets such as Loveline with Dr. Chris Donaghue to discuss sex in the media. Here are some of our tips on how to engage in a cuckold or Hotwire relationship. Below are some of Heather McPherson’s responses to questions about cuckolding and hotwifing.

Sexuality is fluid and vast

Sexuality is fluid and vast: There are millions of ways couples and individuals engage in cuckold and hotwife fetishes. No two couples are alike and therefore they don’t need to be attempting to fit an arbitrary definition if it doesn’t work for them. Having said that, an oversimplified present-day description of a cuckold fetish is generally focused on the male (often submissive) partner and his desired humiliation. For some, cuckolding is a form of psychological masochism. A hotwife is someone that is so attractive and “hot,” the partner takes pleasure in sharing her with others so that other men can enjoy her fully and experience the beauty he is honored to call his wife. There is a sense of pride and pleasure in being a hotwife and having a hotwife. There’s rarely a humiliation piece in current hotwife households. Additionally, a power dynamic is present in the cuckold lifestyle that is usually absent in the hotwife lifestyle. Hotwifing focuses on increasing/enhancing pleasure and sexual experiences for the female partner and cuckolding is about achieving pleasure through humiliation for the male partner. Some define a hotwife as the female half of the cuckold couple. In both lifestyles, the husband consents and usually remains monogamous. One trend I see is the male partner moving in and out of monogamy in hotwife couples as more couples are empowered to make their own rules. Many present-day couples use hotwife and cuckold interchangeably as these couples are creating new paths to pleasure and fun.

Who owns the control?

A common idea is that in cuckold fetishes, the man is in control the whole time even though he’s being shamed and cuckolded. However, in the BDSM world, the consensus is that “the submissive holds all the power.” Typically, in a cuckold fetish experience/scene, the husband or male partner is submissive and thus is in control and has the power to stop or end the scene. The entire session is usually well planned beforehand in which both partners discuss what each desires. The male partner chooses to give all the control to his wife or partner after all is discussed. The humiliation piece is typically desired by the man and is eroticized for pleasure.

What’s the motivation to pursue these alternative lifestyles?

The main motivation for men and women pursuing the cuckold lifestyle is usually different from those pursuing the Hotwife lifestyle. The Hotwife lifestyle is usually for the fulfillment of fantasies for one or both partners as well as the wife’s personal growth, sexual exploration and freedom. The main motivation for men and women to pursue the cuckold lifestyle is usually based on the male partner’s fantasy. Some couples enter into the cuckold lifestyle to spice up their sex lives and others enter into it for small penis humiliation or because he can not satisfy his wife’s sexual appetite.

Who typically initiates the conversation?

Many assume that about 50% of couples are typically more reluctant to dive deep into the cuckold fetish. I find in my practice that one partner is more interested in the fetish than the other and this can be either partner. After all, it’s usually one person that initiated the conversation first and the other partner might have thought about it before or it might be a total shock. Interestingly, out of the majority of couples in my practice, it is the female partner that has initiated the conversation of being a hotwife. It’s almost always the opposite for the cuckold fetish, the male partner initiates the conversation because it is his fetish and desire to be submissive and/or humiliated. There are also plenty of couples out there that are both equally invested and excited to dive into the fetish.

Is this bad for the relationship?

Many people who aren’t involved in cuckolding wonder if couples who are able to maintain the cuckold lifestyle or if these activities lead to the demise of their relationship. In my practice, I’ve seen that the couples that are successful in this lifestyle, and in any other lifestyle are the ones that are flexible in their relationship structure and have incredible communication skills. These couples can move in and out of the lifestyle with ease depending on what is happening in each stage of their lives and each other’s needs at the time. They do their homework and are always interested in learning new tools and strategies to improve their relationship. When the cuckold lifestyle (or any other alternative lifestyle) leads to the demise of the relationship, it’s usually because of rigidity, lack of openness and honesty and/or insufficient emotionally mature communication.

Openly communicate about fantasies

“Both partners have to want it.” Each partner needs to find something about the lifestyle that is satisfying and enjoyable in order for it to succeed over the long haul. Being able to communicate openly about her fantasy regarding cuckolding or possibly something else is great because it allows the couple to find mutually agreeable fantasies. If the humiliation aspect is crucial to her husband’s enjoyment, then it seems like she’ll need to be willing to engage in that aspect. This is not true for all couples as each might have parts of the experience or fetish that are more important than others. It’s also extremely helpful for partners to communicate openly to each other and/or with a therapist about feelings that might arise. Normalizing and validating these feelings will be priority.

How do we do this so it doesn’t destroy the relationship?

There is no true or right way to engage in this lifestyle. Every couple handles it differently and what works for one couple, won’t work for another. As discussed above, there are many modern cuckold couples that do not engage in shaming or humiliation. Having said that, there are few caveats. If you’re engaging in the lifestyle to please your partner and only for that reason, the relationship will not last. If you’re engaging in this lifestyle “for your partner” and you are unable to find anything pleasurable or enjoyable, the relationship will not succeed. If you’re in the lifestyle to prove how much you love your partner, the relationship will not last. I don’t believe you have to be “all in” in order for the relationship to succeed, but each partner does have to find their own personal reasons for why they want to engage in this lifestyle.

There are usually fears and insecurities that arise when starting to discuss this lifestyle or any other type of open relationship. The key is being honest with yourself and your partner and processing those feelings with each other as they arise. It’s natural to run through all the possibilities of why one partner wants to engage in this lifestyle; and feeling jealous and/or insecure is also natural and normal.

Tips for a healthy alternative lifestyle relationship

Now, for couples who are considering pursuing this lifestyle, I offer this advice: This type of relationship structure/lifestyle and any other structure require open and honest conversations, commitment and flexibility. Cuckolding requires emotional maturity and usually many difficult and/or painful conversations, more so in the beginning. If you’re not up for the hard work it WILL take, don’t try it. Additionally, if a couple is engaging in this lifestyle in order to save or fix the relationship, they are both in for a very difficult and painful time. If a couple is already in a sexless relationship, this will only add fuel to the fire, and not in a good way. For couples that are pursuing this lifestyle, I would suggest they start slow, start discussing your desires and fantasies with each other, and always move at the pace of the slowest partner. This will help build trust in one another.

More suggestions

Make sure each partner knows how to reassure and support one another.
Educate yourself by reading books like Opening Up by Tristan Taromino or Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton.
Make a list of rules/boundaries with each other and understand that it might be very detailed in the beginning and usually will become more flexible as you progress. Get STD/STI tests every 4-6 months.
If it’s not pleasurable or fun for all parties involved, change something!

Next Steps & Resources:

Ready to take the next step?

What online counseling options do I have?

For the past decade we have excelled at online therapy, tele-therapy and phone counseling. We have seen couples online and conducted Sex Therapy online through video platforms. Everything can be completed online including your intake, first session all the way through graduation! You can even find a Respark Therapist or Coach and book your first session online without having to pick up the phone. Many of our clients love online therapy as there are so many pros! Learn more about our online couples therapy, online individual therapy and online Sex Therapy process here.

What is Respark all about?

We have therapists throughout all of Texas and Colorado. We offer the best couples therapy and sex therapy because our team had 200+ hours of training post graduate. Many of them are already certified or about to become certified sex therapists. We have therapists trained in trauma, EMDR, eating disorders and Health at Every Size informed.

I want to become a sex therapist or sexual health professional, how do I do that?
Check out our podcast with Respark Founder, Heather McPherson at Practice Outside the Lines.

I want to become a certified sex therapist or certified sex coach or educator?

We also started one of the largest sexual health training organizations in the country. Check out Sexual Health Alliance for sexuality certification programs.

I need additional support around growing my sexual health focused practice as a sex therapist, sex coach or sexuality professional. Where can I find more information?

We started Practice Outside the Lines to support new and seasoned sexuality professionals learn how to start and grow a sexual health focused business.

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