Heart-to-Heart or Headache?: Communicating Desires to Your Partner

In any intimate relationship, open and honestly communicating desires is the key to fostering intimacy and understanding between partners. In a perfect world, your partner would openly accept all of your deepest sexual fantasies and desires. Engaging in a conversation about the things you desire in the bedroom with your partner can be a journey into the unknown. Despite the best intentions, these discussions may not always unfold as smoothly as planned. You should go into the conversation prepared for any type of reaction from your partner and remind yourself that their reaction does not define who you are or what you want. Your sexuality is valid and your desires are valid. For many people, sex is an important aspect of their relationship and to keep the relationship growing you should try to meet your partner’s sexual ideals or at the very least discuss them and share why you don’t feel comfortable doing so. Consent is an essential component of these conversations. The lines of consent can sometimes become blurry if you and your partner have different sexual desires. It is okay to want to please your partner, but this does not mean you need to engage in any sort of sexual scenario they desire. Active consent is always important and it should be emphasized in any conversations about differing sexual desires. These conversations are often anxiety-inducing though, and so with this blog, we hope to help ease some of the anxieties that come along with communicating desires by providing a guide on how to navigate some of the unexpected outcomes. At the end of the blog, there will be a short guide on how to initiate these types of conversations in a healthy way to initiate growth within your sexual relationship. These guides don’t just pertain to folks in a relationship though it could be beneficial if you’re in a no-strings-attached or hookup situation as well! 

 

Navigating Unexpected Turns During Sexuality Conversations

Take A Pause 

Conversations about intimacy can quickly become overwhelming if you’re partner doesn’t respond the way you expected them to. The best thing to do if the conversation begins to go awry is to take a pause. Allow both you and your partner to reflect on what was said. Stepping back allows one to cool down and approach the discussion with a clearer, more composed perspective. It’s important to have respect for both yourself and your partner and taking a pause ensures that you won’t make any rash remarks or throw judgement at your partner because you feel overwhelmed. 

Validation In Disagreement 

Something my therapist always tells me is that you can validate a person even if you disagree with them. At the end of the day, everyone sees things differently and they feel valid in their opinion or argument. Invalidating them is only going to escalate the situation and make for a nonproductive conversation. When talking to your partner be open;  recognize and acknowledge all of the emotions that may arise. It’s natural for both partners to feel vulnerable when discussing intimate matters. Validating each other’s feelings, even if they differ, is crucial for maintaining a sense of emotional safety. This blog is interesting because it outlines different ways to talk about sex. If you take a look at some of the advice and couple it with the idea of validating your partner even if you disagree with them you may be able to re-direct the conversation positively. 

Revisit Your Expectations

If the conversation isn’t unfolding as expected, it might be helpful to revisit expectations. Ensure that both partners are on the same page regarding the purpose and outcomes of the discussion. Clarifying intentions can prevent misunderstandings and realign the conversation. You may realize that your expectations differ from your partner because of their relationship with their sexuality. In my personal experience, I’ve had situations where my partner was raised with a conservative approach to sex. Some of my sexual ideals were not met by them because they viewed those acts as “dirty” or shameful. I revisited my expectations and realized that I wanted to feel satisfied without feeling shamed for my desires because I knew that they were perfectly normal. My partner realized that we had two different expectations of what sex is and what it should look like. After a lot of discussion, we were able to find a common ground. 

Seek Understanding 

Seeking understanding goes along with validating your partner. They need to understand and validate your side of the situation and you need to be able to do the same thing for them. If you both feel understood then you will be able to start discussing how to implement change to the situation. It’s essential to avoid blame or accusations and focus on expressing your thoughts and feelings without escalating the situation. Take the necessary time to understand each other’s perspectives. Miscommunications can often be traced back to different interpretations or expectations. Engaging in active listening and asking clarifying questions can bridge the gap and foster mutual understanding. 

Know When to Take A Timeout 

Consider taking a timeout if emotions are running high and the conversation is becoming increasingly challenging. This is similar to a pause but it’s a more extended period. If the conversation is not going well and you’ve tried the above steps it might be best to step away from the conversation for a couple hours or days. Sometimes people need a complete reset to talk about a situation in a level-headed and respected way. Sex can be a vulnerable point of discussion and your partner may feel called out or like they are not “good enough” for you. Moreover, they may be invalidating or shaming your desires and if you are unable to redirect the conversation it’s best to just take a step back. Your desires are valid and it’s not healthy to be shamed or ridiculed for them. Both of you may need some time to think on your own and taking a time-out will allow you to revisit the conversation and hopefully have a better outcome. 

 

How to Begin Communicating Desires

The guide above outlines a few key themes regarding the importance of communicating desires. When initiating the conversation it’s essential to establish a foundation of trust and create a safe space for open dialogue. You can do this by beginning the conversation by discussing boundaries. Consent is one of the key factors when navigating a conversation like this and you want to make sure both you and your partner respect each other’s boundaries. You can’t convince your partner to want to engage in a sexual act that meets your ideals. All you can do is set a boundary and say that it’s something you need to feel satisfied but if they don’t want to do it you can try to seek a happy medium together. It’s also important to ensure a sense of emotional safety within the conversation. This is done by refraining from judgment or attacking your partner in any way. Remember that they might have different expectations of sex than you do and you don’t want to make them feel unsafe by judging them. A comfortable and safe atmosphere sets the stage for a candid conversation. Maybe try having the conversation in a space that you both feel safe in. You can also try lighting some candles or playing one of your favorite albums in the background. You want to make sure you both feel comfortable and open to talking. 

Always remember that communicating desires is inherently sensitive, and it’s not uncommon for them to take unexpected turns. When faced with challenges, remember that patience, empathy, and effective communication are your allies. By pausing, acknowledging feelings, and maintaining a calm and understanding demeanor, you can navigate these bumps in the road and emerge with a stronger connection and a deeper understanding of each other. Many people face challenges regarding differing sexual ideals in their relationship and there are many things you can do to try to resolve the problem. At the end of the day, the best outcome of communicating desires  is that your partner hears you and validates you safely and comfortably. You may not be able to find common ground and that is okay. Not everyone is sexually compatible and there is nothing wrong with leaving a relationship if your desires are not met.  

By: Alyssa Morterud

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