A Prior Sexual Trauma Might be Impacting My Sex Life; Part 2 – Ft. Hunter English

Trigger warning: this blog post uses some explicit language around the topic of sexual trauma and assault. If reading this is too difficult, that is okay, and it is encouraged you seek support!

Sexual trauma can have a major impact on a person’s life. Not just immediately after the initial trauma, but many years down the road. We asked Respark Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist – Candidate, Hunter English (she/her) on how sexual trauma can impact a person’s sex life. This is part 2 of a series. If you have not read part 1 we encourage you to do so first!

How People Invalidate Sexual Trauma

As previously mentioned in Part 1, not enough people talk about how survivors often know their perpetrators, and people who respond to trauma with fawning or freezing are invalidated. I would like to explore further how, directly and indirectly, our society and community members can invalidate a survivor.

There are direct and indirect ways people and society invalidate survivors of sexual assault and abuse, and we can see them present in our rape culture. Rape culture is “a culture where sexual abuse is normalized and played down.” We can see this present in an average of five ways: minimization, “it was a misunderstanding;” justification, “they were asking for it;” denial, “they wouldn’t do that;” rationalization, “it’s not assault because they didn’t say ‘no’;” and excuse-making, “boys will be boys.” What many people do not realize, including the survivors, is that the survivor doesn’t need to be told these messages directly in response to their assault for rape culture to have its impact. These messages are delivered in how people talk about assault stories in the media, how they are portrayed in movies and TV shows, how our friends and family discuss the topic and argue the logistics of when it can be unanimously agreed the perpetrator did full wrong and the survivor bears no responsibility.

Because of this, many survivors are less likely to report their crime, many survivors can develop internalized victim-blaming language and behaviors, and many may not even identify they were assaulted depending on age and how an assault occurred because they are in a world that taught them assault just happens, consent isn’t appropriately taught, and the assault was somehow their fault.

How Can Sexual Trauma Impact a Sex Life?

As mentioned in Part 1, sexual trauma impacts each survivor differently and how a survivor copes with their trauma will be diverse. Survivors can experience dissociation during sex. They may question their sexuality, experience pain during sex, and expect sex to be painful. Survivors may find themselves not advocating for their discomfort or pleasure, or potentially staying in relationships where there have been repeat boundary or consent violations. Some survivors might experience an inconsistent libido until a certain relationship status or feeling is attained and then their libido lessens. For example, if a woman was abused by her brother, it is possible that once a future spouse feels like family, her sexual drive might dissipate as a result.

As to not just present a nearly exhaustive list of ways sexual abuse can present in trauma, I would encourage this to be an opportunity to challenge what you think you know about how sexual abuse can present in your sex life, potentially in your own life, both in the short-term and long-term following a trauma.

Another thing I would like to encourage reflection on is how many symptoms and indicators of being a survivor are written off as “normal behavior” given how we have been socialized to view heterosexual relationships. We can often see language around men, or masculine-presenting people, as being forceful, assertive, taking sexual initiative, and more. The language around women, or feminine presenting people, can look like being submissive, being a recipient of sex, passive, less interested in sex than men, and more. How this can relate to trauma is if we continue to view a cishet through this script, there is a risk of overlooking a woman’s passiveness, absence of enthusiasm, and more as “normal” behavior. This is not to say that all submissive women are survivors.

How Can a Sex Therapist Help You?

Developing a healthy relationship with sex and rebuilding and practicing autonomy are arguably higher priority items when exploring both how a prior trauma may be impacting you and how to start having healthier sex. Developing a healthy relationship with sex can look like exploring your current relationship with sex and where that definition came from, how it serves you, how it doesn’t, and how you feel. Sometimes couples therapy is recommended depending on how involved a survivor wants a partner to be in their journey, and how the current sex life and relational dynamic is impacting the survivor.

At no point should a therapist be trying to change the kind of sex you are having, only helping ensure healthy relationships with sex and consent are being practiced, and teaching the necessary coping and grounding skills as trauma symptoms arise through the healing journey. Specifically referring to kinky clients or queer clients, at no point should an expectation be placed that once the trauma is resolved, a kinky sexual behavior with dissipate. For example, if a survivor started participating in impact play after trauma, there should be no expectation that healing equates to the absence of impact play.

Looking to Talk to a Professional About Sexual Trauma?

At Respark, we understand the impact past sexual trauma can have on individuals and their relationships. Our clinicians are ready to help you process and release your trauma. If you resonate with Hunter’s questions and answers, you can book directly with Hunter online. Ready to start your healing journey with a different Respark therapist? We have experts in Texas, Colorado, and Washington ready to help you take that first step. Take our quiz to determine who is the best therapist fit for you and either schedule directly online or contact our care team.

References:

Catton, Ashley K H, et al. “Disclosure of Sexual Victimization: Effects of Invalidation and Shame on Re-Disclosure.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence, U.S. National Library of Medicine, July 2023, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10326359/#:~:text=Reactions%20can%20include%20taking%20control,c)%20their%20decision%20to%20disclose.

Inc, Prepare. “5 Ways Rape Culture Invalidates Reports of Sexual Violence.” Prepare Inc – an IMPACT Organization, 15 Dec. 2015, prepareinc.com/5-ways-rape-culture-invalidates-reports-of-sexual-violence/.

Webb, Lauren. “Trauma and Sexual Intimacy.” SARSAS, 4 May 2021, www.sarsas.org.uk/trauma-and-sexual-intimacy/.

“What Is Rape Culture?” Rape Crisis England & Wales, rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/what-is-rape-culture/#:~:text=Rape%20culture%20is%20a%20culture,is%20normalised%20and%20played%20down. Accessed 28 Nov. 2023.