Sexual incompatibility: What to do when you and your significant other have different preferences in bed

Sexual incompatibility is more common than one may think. Many couples find themselves struggling with sexual compatibility with a partner, and things can get even more tricky if you’re polyamorous and have more than one partner. It’s often difficult to ensure that everyone’s needs and desires are being met in the bedroom. It’s important to remember that sexual incompatibility does not signal the end of a relationship but instead signals a need for more exploration in the bedroom. It is entirely okay if you and your partner(s) have mismatched preferences in bed; there is a solution to this problem. Therapist Diane Gleim notes the following in an article for Psychology Today:

“ To be “incompatible” implies something is incapable of existing alongside something else (which can be polarizing in these current times)—and saying, “We are sexually incompatible” has huge implications for sex and relationships.” (psychologytoday) 

In this sense, it can be helpful to use a different phrase when discussing sexual compatibility issues such as mismatched desire or sexual differences. It’s essential to focus on the language you use when labeling your relationship with your partner(s)- the harsh phrasing of sexual incompatibility is not conducive to finding a solution to the problem. Instead, the phrase signals irreconcilable differences. Sexual incompatibility does not mean that your relationship is over. With patience and dedication, it’s possible to overcome mismatched sexual desire in your relationship. This is because “What most people are describing when they say “We are sexually incompatible” is that they have sexual differences they have not yet figured out how to manage.” (psychologytoday) The good news is that there are ways that different preferences in bed can be managed. The sexual aspect of your relationship is not a lost cause, and there are things you can do to bridge the difference in sexual preferences.

How to Manage Mismatched Sexual Desires

1. See a Sex Therapist: One of the first things you should do if you’re experiencing sexual differences in a relationship is to reach out to a certified sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you communicate your desires better with your partner, in turn allowing you to find some similarities between the two of you possibly. Communication is an essential part of bridging the gap of sexual desire because it’s the only way you’ll honestly know how your partner feels. Moreover, a sex therapist can act as a mediator, or neutral third party, for your relationship. This can be helpful because it takes the pressure off of you and your partner(s) and makes it so that somebody else is in charge of giving you advice and recommendations on how you can fix your relationship. 
2. Try Visiting a Sex Shop: Visiting a sex shop can allow you to find new ways to make sex exciting again! You may be able to find a sex toy that interests both you and your parter, giving you something new and fun to try in the bedroom. Sex toys are not just for solo play, and they often enhance intimacy when incorporated into bedroom play. In my experience, I’ve found that visiting a sex shop is more of a bonding experience than anything else; as you and your partner(s) investigate what the shop has to offer, you may discover a new fantasy for all of you. 
3. Watch Porn Together: Porn is a great way to explore and expand your definition of sex. Moreover, porn is not just reserved for single people or masturbation- it too can be incorporated into bedroom play! If you and your partner(s) are experiencing a difference in desire, you can most definitely try using porn to bridge the gap. One way you can do this is by finding a porn video that excites you both and then trying to recreate the scene in your bed! Watching porn together can be another type of bonding experience that will enhance intimacy between you and your partner and may even ignite an impromptu sex session.  
4. Try Mutual Masturbation: Mutual masturbation is great for partners who have mismatched sexual desire because it gives both of you the permission to exist inside your head while also watching your partner please themselves. Moreover, nobody knows your body better than yourself. You may even be able to teach your partner a thing or two while they watch you masturbate. Mutual masturbation is yet another bonding experience that can enhance intimacy! 
5. Try Role Play/ Fantasy Play: One of the best ways to bridge a gap in sexual desire is to step out of the confines of everyday sex. You can try asking your partner if they have a desire to act out any type of role-play scene or if they have a sexual fantasy that they’ve always wanted to try. As long as the fantasy is one that involves consent from all parties you’re all set! If you’re experiencing “sexual incompatibility,” it could simply mean that you haven’t found a sexual scenario that gets both you and your partner off. Keep experimenting! The result will be worth it.

By: Alyssa Morterud