The Essentials of Consent in Modern Dating
Consent is an essential part of modern dating. We spoke with Respark Therapist, Casandra M. Jones MPH, MA, LPC-Associate (she/her) to learn more about what consent looks like in modern dating.
Casandra is a wellness focused, trauma-informed counselor who is passionate about helping people in diverse relationships uncover and embrace their true selves and live happier/healthier lives. She focuses on using Neuro-Narrative, emotion-focused theories, with a heavy dash of systems thinking and attachment theory, to help people struggling with sexual trauma, relationship issues, depression, bipolar disorders, schizophrenic spectrum disorders, anxiety, or minority stigma-related stress. She has extensive backgrounds in non-monogamy, kink/BDSM, sex-positive counseling, gay stuff, and living with chronic conditions/disabilities/diseases.
There are a million different consent models out there. From FRIES, to Castles, to Wheels, most of them will do you some good to learn about. But it can feel like enrolling in a college course sometimes. If much of modern consent culture gives you more anxiety and/or shuts down your higher brain functioning, you are not alone. Take a breath, or two. If you spend some time contemplating the following 2 basics (and really check yourself here) You’ll be ahead of the game.
Face your Assumptions
This means understanding that you have a unique language and view of reality that is not likely shared 100% of the time with everyone. What seems like a standard reaction to a situation or behavior may be incomprehensible to someone else. What you call sex, may only be foreplay to someone else. What is of value to you in a relationship may not be important to another. These differences between people are normal to navigate, and acting like they don’t exist will just get you in trouble.
The process of facing your ass-umptions is to ask questions! Of yourself and anyone you have romantic or sexual intentions towards.
Be Explicit in Negotiations/Foreplay
What do you really want out of an interaction or relationship with someone? What do you need to feel safe or secure? What are your limitations or concerns when getting intimate, either physically or emotionally?
Oftentimes we subconsciously expect people to read our minds or body language to tell how we are doing. Why? I think it is because we are often ashamed of our true wants/needs/desires. You deserve to share openly what you want, just as much as someone else in a situation needs you to be explicit in order to connect with you. You being explicit about wants also allows the other person to know their own wants better, and if those align with yours. If everyone is explicit, but also open to the push and pull of relationships, most people can find a middle playground together.
The idea of using your words during sexy times might sound anxiety-inducing if it does practice practice practice! Watch yourself in a mirror and practice delivering your wants in a flirty way.
Remember these two things and you’ll be good, most of the time….
If you are still concerned about modern consent practices after seriously considering these two elements, then maybe you should consider further education or therapy. Follow your curiosity, my friends!
Want to Learn More About Consent in Modern Dating?
Do you still have questions about consent in modern dating? Casandra is here to answer your questions! Book your first therapy session with Casandra directly online. Ready to start your therapy journey with a different Respark therapist? We have experts in Texas, Colorado, Washington, Utah, and Missouri ready to help you take that first step. Take our quiz to determine who is the best therapist fit for you and either schedule directly online or contact our care team.
