What is Infidelity Counseling?

Couples and individuals seek counseling services for many different reasons. Infidelity counseling, specifically, is an important part of healing from unloyal partner(s) and/or changing cheating behavior. Part of what makes infidelity counseling more difficult to address, though, is that its definition varies from counselor to counselor, researcher to researcher. Definitions like these are socially constructed, so their meaning is continually made and re-made through social engagement. Beginning to understand infidelity itself and the proper form of treatment, then, is crucial to the healing process. By getting clear on what exactly needs addressing, this social construction can be made clearer for both therapist and client, and more tangible clinical goals can be achieved. 

In general, infidelity includes sexual intercourse outside or extradyadic sexual activities outside of a primary relationship. This can sometimes also implicate emotional betrayal, or be purely romantic without ever leading to sexual acts. All of these actions can be hurtful to the primary relationship and leave scars both partners will have to work through. Research suggests that, on average, 20-25% of American men and 10-15% of American women have cheated at some point during their marriage. Year to year, though, only 2.33% of Americans report being unfaithful. This means that at any given point in time, many fewer American couples experience infidelity than over the entirety of a marriage. 

Risk factors and special circumstances for infidelity should be considered in order to approach this topic holistically. Experts recommend considering couple compatibility before becoming exclusive with a partner, as the incompatibility of interpersonal characteristics is the leading reported reason for infidelity. Additionally, special life circumstances create new issues for couple exclusivity. For instance, in a study researching rates of infidelity among men in the Airforce before and after a year-long deployment, the probability of cheating increased 18.6% more than the general population’s yearly average. This is especially interesting considering the percentage of Airmen who cheated before deployment was in line with the national statistics for extramarital affairs over the course of a marriage’s lifetime. Furthermore, while only 5% of military personnel divorced within a 9-month post-deployment period, 75% of the Airmen who experienced infidelity divorced during this same time period, showing the serious consequences that can occur after infidelity and highlighting the need for effective therapeutic treatments. Specific risk factors for this population include a prior history of separation, previous steps toward divorce, and prior relationship distress. Technological advancements have also caused issues for the general population as there are now new ways to meet and engage with others outside of your primary relationship. In this way, the definition of infidelity is broadened to include cheating over social network sites, chat rooms, instant messages, emails, sexting, and porn websites. 

With this evolving definition, data, and priority populations in mind, the perceptions of infidelity remain the most convincing argument for why counseling in this topic area is so necessary. By combining psychological research on attachment style, it becomes clear that infidelity can have long-lasting effects on individuals and couples. In fact, manifestations of infidelity-based attachment trauma can resemble disorganized attachment behavior, pointing to a need to refine the common adjustment disorder diagnosis with a sub-categorization related to infidelity. In certain extreme cases, the effects of infidelity can lead to Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder. Similar to PTSD, Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder may include flashbacks to cheating-related memories, equating all mysterious activity to cheating, and insomnia. Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder is different from PTSD, though, because symptoms typically only last up to a few months. 

Based on this research, experts suggest infidelity counseling treatment incorporates integration of the key aspects of attachment theory into a narrative therapy approach to minimize any harmful effects. In treating clients experiencing infidelity, counselors should consider the following common pitfalls:

• Assuming all affairs are the same. Each experience and client should be approached independently of any other cases.
• Playing into fallacies. Counselors should always dig deeper with their clients to ensure issues are fully resolved. 
• Countertransference. Counselors should upkeep a keen sense of self-awareness to avoid their feelings about the client to affect their treatment approach. Counselors should also continuously check their own internal biases when treating clients.

If a couple intends to stay in their relationship after infidelity, they should expect the reconciliation process to be lengthy and include difficult conversations. Generally, the couple should expect to pursue forgiveness, seek counseling, manage memories of the events, learn vicariously through the treatment process, and change their couple dynamics. Particularly, the couple’s power dynamic often shifts when rebuilding their relationship, so both parties should be cognizant and receptive to this stage of healing. Ultimately, couples who maintain their relationship after infidelity state their reasons for doing so as being motivated to stay together, treasuring acts of kindness from their partner, meaning-making in the relationship, and accepting social support – all of which can be enhanced by effective counseling.

By Emily Carriere