Viewing Consent Beyond the Courtroom

This article mentions sexual assault.

It’s time we rethink consent and open the door for a more complex conversation surrounding the words “yes” and “no.” 

The words “yes” in the bedroom can mean a myriad of things: 

• “Yes, I want to have sex with you because I’m horny.” 
• “Yes, I want to have sex with you because I want to feel close to you.” 
• “Yes, I want to have sex with you because you’ve complained that we don’t do it enough.” 
• “Yes, I want to have sex with you because I’m scared to say no.” 

There are countless subtleties and hidden meanings behind the word “yes.” We must acknowledge that sometimes “yes” doesn’t always mean “yes.” 

Dr. Emily Nagoski is a well-renowned sex educator, researcher, and published author. Her blog, Confidence & Joy, discusses questions surrounding sex and sexuality. In Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, Angela Chen utilizes Nagoski’s blog post to breakdown different types of consent in this excerpt: 

• Enthusiastic Consent: 
  • When I want you 
  • When I don’t fear the consequences of saying yes OR saying no 
  • When saying no means missing out on something I want 
• Willing Consent: 
  • When I care about you, though, I don’t desire you (right now) 
  • When I’m pretty sure saying yes will have an okay result, and I think maybe that I’d regret saying no
  • When I believe that desire may begin after I say yes
• Unwilling Consent: 
  • When I fear the consequences of saying no more than I fear the consequences of saying yes 
  • When I feel not just an absence of desire but an absence of desire for desire 
  • When I hope that by saying yes, you will stop bothering me, or think that I say no, you’ll only keep on trying to persuade me
• Coerced Consent: 
  • When you threaten me with harmful consequences if I say no 
  • When I feel I’ll be hurt if I say yes, but I’ll be hurt more if I say no 
  • When saying yes means experiencing something I actively dread. 

Nagoski describes consent as “everyone involved is glad to be there and free to leave with no unwanted consequences.” Consent is present if all parties understand that there are no stakes and that anyone can leave or stop at any time. Consent, as Nagoski demonstrates, doesn’t always have to come in a “jump their bones” or “rip off their clothes” desire. You can be “glad to be there,” curious to try something new, or simply want to pleasure your partner. Unlike every Rom-Com storyline written, wanting and consenting to have sex doesn’t have to be a ravenous sexual desire. 

If someone says “yes” (even if it’s unwilling or coerced), there would likely be no legal consequences, but why is that the standard? Rather than viewing sex from a legality standpoint, Nagoskti presents a new perspective: “Sex worth having.” She questions whether sex is worth having if you have an unwilling partner. Even though a partner’s consent would hold up in a courtroom, that doesn’t mean that the sex wasn’t violating, harmful, good, bad, or fantastic. Just because it wasn’t assault, or rape, doesn’t mean the sex was good and worth having. In reality, sex is only worth having when consent is willing and enthusiastic. 

Compulsory sexuality conditions society to believe that sex is naturally good—but it isn’t. Sex isn’t inherently good or bad; it’s simply an action; a verb, that some people engage in. The relationship, the level of communication, the amount of consent, the location, the food you ate prior…etc, are all determining factors of whether sex is good, fine, fantastic, boring, bad, or violating. By removing the label and pressure that “sex is inherently good”, we allow people to explore what sex and consent looks and feels like to them. For example, by saying “yes” to sex, you do not waive your right to feel violated or harmed—sex can be bad even if it’s consensual. Sex can be and mean anything to anyone. 

By presenting this standpoint on sex, we make room for sex-indifferent and sex-positive asexual people, those with a lower libido or who are celibate, sex industry workers, and so much more. We must stop putting unnecessary labels on what sex means to people, mainly because it muddies the water of consent. 

Yes doesn’t always mean yes – so what does that mean? How are you supposed to ask for consent? Continually check in with your partner and establish that there are no stakes or consequences if they don’t want to have sex. Ask yourself and your partner: is this sex worth having? What will we gain? Will we regret saying no? You can never ask too many questions or check in too much regarding intimacy and sex. 

By Abby Stuckrath