Sex Therapy for Virgins

By: Alyssa Morterud

Virginity is nothing but a cultural construct, yet the concept seems to haunt most of us through our adolescence and into adulthood if we haven’t managed to get rid of “it.” In our society, the loss of one’s virginity is typically defined as having penile-vaginal intercourse for the first time, “yet this is a heteronormative definition of sex that excludes many sex acts.” (goodtherapy) More than this, the concept of virginity is often stigmatized- especially for adults. For some reason, popular culture has normalized the loss of one’s virginity by their senior prom night, and anyone who waits longer than that has to face judgment for waiting “too long.” Zawn Villines wrote a great article on Good Therapy titled, “Yes, It’s Okay If You Are Still a Virgin” and includes some more information on the relationship between virginity and societal stigmas. The article provides the following examples of virginity stigma:

• “The idea that everyone wants to lose their virginity, and that people who remain virgins remain so because they cannot find a partner.
• Shame about remaining a virgin.
• Viewing virgins as categorically different from non-virgins.
• Using “virgin” as an insult or a way to bully someone.
• Virginity stigma is often gendered. Traditional notions of masculinity demand boys and men be very sexually active. Men who are unable or unwilling to conform to this norm may feel ashamed and self-conscious. Some men may engage in aggressive sexual behavior in an attempt to get partners to have sex with them.”
  (goodtherapy)

These stigmas can “lead to a toxic stew of self-doubt, sexual shame, mistaken notions about sexuality, and relationship frustration.” (goodtherapy) These emotions are often difficult to process and a lot of the time impact one’s sex life. One way to sort through the impact of societal stigmas concerning virginity could be with the help of a licensed sex therapist, there is sex therapy for virgins! Sex therapy is not only for those who are having sex, it’s for everyone. A sex therapist can help you work through your relationship with your virginity and sexuality in a judgment-free setting because there is no right age to start having sex.

How Sex Therapy Can Help

Sex therapy has the potential to help individuals who are curious about the construct of virginity and how it has impacted their lives. Some people have no desire to lose their virginity, while others desire sex but are not sure how to explore their sexuality. Sex therapy can help any adult who is struggling with the concept of virginity, even if someone just wants a safe space to talk about their desires. It’s important to note “ there is no “normal” age at which to have sex or appropriate amount of sex to have.” (goodtherapy) Sex therapy for virgins can be done in a couples setting with you and your partner(s) or it can be done individually. A couples counselor can help people in relationships where individuals struggle with the virginity stigma. For example, some people wait till marriage to have sex because of religious reasons, personal reasons, or no reason at all. A couples therapist can provide support and a safe space to talk about sex and the process of losing your virginity with your partner(s). According to Villines here are some other ways that a sex therapist can help with the construct of virginity:

• “Destigmatizing virginity with education and research about typical sexual behavior.
• Discussing issues of sexual identity and orientation. Some people remain virgins because they are asexual or aromantic. Others worry they can’t be certain of their identity until they have sex.
• Supporting a person to talk about sex with their partners and identify sexual acts with which they are comfortable.
• Encouraging a client to draw their own sexual boundaries rather than relying on the sexual boundaries that friends, family, or society want them to draw.
• Talking about issues of self-esteem, shame, and gender norms.
• Therapy can play a key role in helping sexually inexperienced people prepare for a healthy sexual relationship. When a person does not want to have sex at all, therapy can support them in embracing that identity and pushing back against stigma.”
  (goodtherapy)

Overall, sex therapy has the power to help anyone who has struggled with the concept of virginity. Don’t let societal stigmas influence your exploration of your sexuality and desire- your feelings are valid.

Contact us today or Learn more about our sex therapy for virgins