Sex Outside the Lines Review
The United States has historically had an issue with sex, and everything related to it. Whether it is through legislation related to gender or sexuality, or normed practices of targeting individuals because of their sexual behaviors such as kink or BDSM, the message is clear: everyone must conform to the heteronormative, monogamous, dual-parent, “vanilla” sex model that one small group of people has deemed “normal”. This very scripted understanding of what is normal within sex and sexuality is obvious in the way people talk about children’s behavior, pornography, clothing, and who individuals are attracted to.
Sex Outside the Lines strips the white-washed, patriarchal, and puritanical lens off of sexuality by showing readers that there is another way. Chris Donaghue’s work triumphantly pulls apart the seams that tie up sexuality into one “normal” package. Armed with his clinical experience working with a variety of clients on issues within relationships and sexuality and his extensive training in sexuality and psychology, Dr. Donaghue eviscerates what you think you know is “normal” and replaces it with wide-open spaces for exploration, creativity and passion.
This book takes aim at multiple constructs, including monogamy, sexual dysfunction, and family. Donaghue does not just provide rational arguments against these constructs but also provides supportive scientific evidence. Nothing thrills this book reviewer more than an author who can present an excellent argument but also provide the foundational science to back it. He even takes aim at the field of psychology, showing how the field itself holds a sex-negative view and perpetuates myths about sexuality, such as sex addiction. For instance, Donaghue writes:
Few are aware that diagnoses like sex and love addiction or codependence are highly contested, and many sexologists and sex therapists (myself included) do not accept them as real. Yet there are books written and treatment centers to take your money to “cure” you of these and other flimsy “issues. (pg. 54)
Readers don’t have to worry though – this isn’t a dry, densely filled textbook. Consider it more of a guide with a machete through the jungle. Donaghue dismantles the web of norms and mores that have kept so many tied up in shame, embarrassment, guilt, and fear. This book is filled with encouragement and support as well as case studies from the author’s clinical practice.
Donaghue encourages his readers to grow in their way of thinking about sexuality and sex, beyond the heteronormative, penis-in-vagina-intercourse focused approach to sex. On page 132, they explain:
When sex doesn’t go the way you want or think it should, it’s a chance for you to deal with the disappointment of your fantasy and focus on humanity and realty. This is when sex helps us grow up (or, as I like to say, “grow sideways”). Growing sideways means growing away from expectations and norms. IT’s a conscious attempt to bypass the shaming and mythic hierarchy of what’s deemed healthy and mature versus unhealthy and immature, and instead, move toward a radically authentic path of your own subjective needs and wants.
Sex Outside the Lines is not some ordinary dissection of cultural norms and mores; more importantly, it is a call to action, a cry for freedom for all to dive into themselves, learn about what it is they truly want, need, and desire. Even one step further – it is the explosive permission to embrace all those aspects of self with openness and release the shame that has kept them smothered.
For some readers, this book will read like so many of the thoughts that they have had but have been unable to share – or maybe they have shared it and this book will be a formal confirmation. For others, particularly those new to exploration of sexuality beyond the norms, this book may push them to think deeply about what they have been covertly and overtly taught about sex, sexuality and their own identities. You may read Sex Outside the Lines entirely in one weekend and need to reread it two weeks later. You also may need to take it one chapter at a time, allowing the information and ideas to soak in. However you read it, my hope is that you find permission to take your own action, whether it is to explore more books in this same vein (stay tuned for more book reviews!) or to finally ask for the kinky play you’ve been fantasizing about.