A Prior Sexual Trauma Might be Impacting My Sex Life; Part 1 – Ft. Hunter English

Trigger warning: this blog post uses some explicit language around the topic of sexual trauma and assault. If reading this is too difficult, that is okay, and it is encouraged you seek support!

Sexual trauma can have a major impact on a person’s life. Not just immediately after the initial trauma, but many years down the road. We asked Respark Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist – Candidate, Hunter English (she/her) on how sexual trauma can impact a person’s sex life.

What is Sexual Trauma?

First, let’s start with defining sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is any nonconsensual exposure to sexually inappropriate behavior, language, and images. This can range from sending unsolicited nudes, flashing, groping, molestation, coercive sexual behavior, and more. Physical sexual violence can impact over one-half of women and 1 in 3 men, starting as young as 12 years old. The sexually traumatic event, if left unresolved, can lead to anxiety, depression, PTSD, sexuality confusion, hyper and hyposexuality, self-harm, and sexual dysfunction.

It is important to remember that traumatic events impact individuals differently. A 16-year-old being molested by an older man might not exhibit symptoms of being sexually shut down, having flashbacks, being “jumpy” around older men, etc., in a timeframe or to the degree people may expect. This is important to remember because survivors and those who have victim-blaming tendencies will interpret the absence of stereotypically severe symptoms to say the trauma “wasn’t that bad” or it didn’t happen at all.

What People DON’T Talk About

Not enough people talk about sexual abuse outside of rape by a stranger or within romantic relationships and marriage. Sexual assault is most often committed by someone the survivor knows. This can be a family member, trusted family friend, respected member of the immediate community, or even a friend. It is not uncommon for sexual abuse to occur after slow grooming, coercion, pressure, or threatening has occurred. When a partner or spouse commits sexual abuse and assault, it is often done through coercion and slow incremental violations of autonomy. Some common examples are the partner that is persistently begging or complaining of an absence of sex through a frame of “you are a bad partner for not giving me sex, and no excuse is good enough.” Another example is a partner who responds poorly or punishes their partner for rejecting sex. Over time, this can result in giving in to avoid the negative consequences of saying “no.”

Another thing people don’t talk about is fawning and freezing in the face of a sexual assault. You’ve probably heard of the trauma responses fight and flight, but have you heard of fawn and freeze? Fawning is recognized as appeasing the perpetrator to minimize damage to the self, and freezing can be understood as freezing in the moment and is often paired with dissociation. Often, people will invalidate a survivor because they “didn’t say ‘no’” or they didn’t “try hard enough to fight or run.” The response to sexual trauma of fawning and freezing is a valid response out of survival, and they are no less a survivor because of this conscious/subconscious reaction.

How Can Sexual Trauma Impact a Sex Life?

Sexual trauma can impact a sex life in various ways. After having their bodily autonomy disregarded, survivors can experience difficulty exercising their autonomy in the future or even knowing they can. People who have difficulty exercising their bodily autonomy in sex can experience pleasure discrepancies, an absence of pleasure equity, or can feel a sense of normalcy around sex not being for them but a performance for the person they are with.

Survivors can also experience retraumatization during intimacy and they can either lean into or lean away from what harmed them. For example, if someone was assaulted via penetration, that could be the form of intimacy they avoid at all costs. Similarly, someone might lean into penetrative intimacy. It is important to note that many people don’t understand consciously how their sexual trauma shows up in their sex life, and even might not recall the assault.

These are only a few ways sexual trauma can manifest. LMFT-C Hunter English will be discussing more ways that sexual trauma can show up in part 2 of this series.

How Can a Sex Therapist Help You?

After processing and releasing the trauma, at the pace decided by the client, your therapist can start helping you take note of how the trauma has impacted your life, sense of self, relationship with sex, and how you practice autonomy in and out of sexual contexts. After which, you and your therapist can slowly break down patterns of disempowerment and rebuild through an empowerment lens.

It is important you work with someone who holds space for all the emotions that may come up in the process of unveiling sexual trauma; anger, rage, sadness, and even embarrassment can come up. Your therapist should never leave you feeling shamed, ashamed, or at fault for anything that happened to you.

Looking to Talk to a Professional About Sexual Trauma?

At Respark, we understand the impact past sexual trauma can have on individuals and their relationships. Our clinicians are ready to help you process and release your trauma. If you resonate with Hunter’s questions and answers, you can book directly with Hunter online. Ready to start your healing journey with a different Respark therapist? We have experts in Texas, Colorado, and Washington ready to help you take that first step. Take our quiz to determine who is the best therapist fit for you and either schedule directly online or contact our care team.

 

References:

Health, LifeStance. “The 4 Types of Trauma Responses.” Lifestance Health, 18 Oct. 2023, lifestance.com/blog/four-types-trauma-response/.

Miles, Written by:  Janice. “Sexual Trauma: Symptoms, Effects, & Treatments.” Choosing Therapy, www.choosingtherapy.com/sexual-trauma/. Accessed 4 Nov. 2023.

“Va.Gov: Veterans Affairs.” Common Reactions After Trauma, 18 Sept. 2018, www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/isitptsd/common_reactions.asp.

“Fast Facts: Preventing Sexual Violence |violence Prevention|injury Center|CDC.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 22 June 2022, www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/fastfact.html.

“Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics.” RAINN, www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence. Accessed 5 Nov. 2023.

“Sarsas.” SARSAS, 18 Oct. 2023, www.sarsas.org.uk/trauma-and-sexual-intimacy/#:~:text=An%20experience%20of%20sexual%20violence%20can%20also%20make%20someone%20fearful,the%20relationship%20with%20their%20partner.