Sexual differences and desire mismatch (where one partner want more sex -or different kind of sex- than the other) are arguably the most common issues that couples encounter. It’s also a very common concern clients come looking for help with here at Respark. While some of these ideas might seem difficult without a trained professional guiding you every step of the way, keep in mind small changes can lead to big results. Start small and try 1 idea each week and see what happens! And if you want to speed up the process or need more focused help, we’re here. Schedule an appointment today with one of our talented Couple’s Therapists.
#1 Sexual Communion
How motivated are you to meet your partners’ sexual needs? How important is it to you that your spouse or partner is sexually satisfied? Even if you can’t meet your partner’s sexual needs, if you view it as important and valuable, your partner will feel cared for and your relationship will be better for it. Reflect on times when your partner tried to value and meet your sexual needs. Communicate appreciation to your partner for these experiences. Now switch roles and ask your partner to think of a few times you have met their sexual needs. We’ve found that when doing this exercise, relationships improved. Viewing your partner’s sexual needs as important enhances your relationship. Dr. David Ley states that, “Even if you can’t meet your partners’ sexual ideals, sexual communion mitigates the degree to which that mismatch negatively impacts your relationship.”
#2 Listen without judgment
Start talking with your partner about their sexual needs and experiences. Show genuine interest and curiosity about their desires.
And, listen without judgment. Listening without judgment might require you to take a few breaths, pay attention to the facial expressions you might unknowingly be giving and remember the love you have for your partner. This will be important, especially while they’re sharing their sexual thoughts and feelings. Most people never tell anyone about their fantasies or desires because they fear judgment or shame. Create a space in your relationship where it’s safe to talk about sex and desires.
#3 Unconditional Positive Regard
Okay this is a therapy term, but stay with us. What we mean is that if you are unconditionally accepting of your partner’s desires and wants, your relationship will deliver the gift of joy and happiness. Remember, you can listen, validate and accept your partner’s wants without actually doing the activities or fantasies or desires they are describing and sharing. This adds a layer of safety into your relationship.
#4 Negotiation
When you talk with your partner about their sexual interests, try coming from a place of non-judgment, love and care. Keep in mind, this is to about winning, this is about having you both walk away feeling heard and accepted. When we listen and accept our partner as they are, then it’s easier to find commonality. We can begin to explore those similarities from a place of curiosity instead of scarcity and fear. Before jumping to any conclusions about what your partners wants, or why they want it, try instead asking 3 to 5 questions. These can be clarifying questions or questions that seek more information. This also lets our partner know that we value and prioritize their sexual needs.
#5 Go have new experiences together
One of our Respark Couple’s Therapist suggested that to break out of your routine, go have new experiences together, inside and outside of the bedroom. Don’t assume you know your partner or partners as well as you think you do, even if you’ve been married for 50 years. Cultivate mystery as well as intimacy within your relationship. Stay curious! There is always something new to discover and be surprised by.
#6 Slow down
According to another Respark Therapist, slowing down, being present, and creating space for each other can help spark romance.
“…Allow space for a spark to develop or return. Not making orgasm the goal, but instead shared pleasure and touch…”
#7 Communicate and then Communicate some more
Incorporating communication through role play. If there is something you feel is stopping you from connecting with your partner, or communication in the moment is lacking, spicing it up through role-play can keep the fun going, while also giving you the foundation of being heard. It also works to build up trust in your partner to explore new things together.
Next Steps & Resources:
Ready to take the next step?
Contact us to schedule an appointment 512-537-0922. Or, book a session online through – Schedule an appointment now.
What online counseling options do I have?
For the past decade we have excelled at online therapy, tele-therapy and phone counseling. We have seen couples online and conducted Sex Therapy online through video platforms. Everything can be completed online including your intake, first session all the way through graduation! You can even find a Respark Therapist or Coach and book your first session online without having to pick up the phone. Many of our clients love online therapy as there are so many pros! Learn more about our online couples therapy, online individual therapy and online Sex Therapy process here.
What is Respark all about?
We have therapists throughout all of Washington, Texas and Colorado. We offer the best couples therapy and sex therapy because our team had 200+ hours of training post graduate. Many of them are already certified or about to become certified sex therapists. We have therapists trained in trauma, EMDR, eating disorders and Health at Every Size informed.
I want to become a sex therapist or sexual health professional, how do I do that?
Check out our podcast with Respark Founder, Heather McPherson at Practice Outside the Lines.
How do I become a certified sex therapist or certified sex coach or educator?
We also started one of the largest sexual health training organizations in the country. Check out Sexual Health Alliance for sexuality certification programs.
I need additional support around growing my sexual health focused practice as a sex therapist, sex coach or sexuality professional. Where can I find more information?
We started Practice Outside the Lines to support new and seasoned sexuality professionals learn how to start and grow a sexual health focused business.
