Sexual Communal Motivation and Prioritizing Your Partners’ Pleasure
No matter how sexually compatible a couple maybe, communication and compromise are an integral part of developing and maintaining a successful sex life within a relationship. Sexual preferences and desires can change shift over time, meaning partners may want different things from each other at any given time, something that is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. The best way to keep up with these changes is to communicate openly about them, and then attempt to bridge the gaps by compromising with your partner and working for their pleasure as well as your own.
To describe this navigation, Amy Muise wrote about research from The Inquisitive Mind on sexual communal motivation. A “communal partner,” or someone who is high in “communal strength,” acts in their partner’s best interest to please their partner, even when doing so conflicts with their own personal desires. This is not to say that any partners should be engaging in anything they aren’t comfortable with or haven’t given consent for; rather, it means that partners are selfless in their intimacy and prioritize the pleasure of others. To be clear, the sexual desires of another person should never override your value system or include more than you are comfortable with, and pressuring you to engage despite these conflicts is considered coerced consent.
You are probably familiar with communal strength outside the bedroom, which would really include any of the everyday sacrifices partners make for each other. Letting your partner choose the movie you watch, attending a work event with your partner, and clearing your schedule to celebrate their birthday are all examples of how you might prioritize the needs of your partner. The concept of sexual communal motivation is no different; it just involves considering the sexual desires of your partner and prioritizing those along with all of the other compromises in your relationship.
An important facet of sexual communal motivation is the notion that communal partners do not expect anything in return for their actions. This may look like one partner offering to perform oral sex on the other without expecting that they will “return the favor.” Instead, the partners should be focused on giving pleasure to the other simply because they enjoy it or to show love and affection towards the other person. This is important because it ensures that the partners really do have each other in mind during intimacy, and are not simply acting in the way that will best ensure their personal pleasure.
This idea can be particularly useful in cases where a couple experiences gaps and breaks in their desires. For example, one may be interested in a new kink practice or roleplay that the other partner is not especially turned on by. In this situation, if both partners enthusiastically consent, the latter partner can practice communal strength by indulging in this fantasy. They would do so knowing that this would increase their partner’s pleasure, regardless of whether their partner will do the same for them. To know what your partner may be interested in exploring, start an honest conversation about your sexual preferences. This could even be a casual “sex debrief” where you talk to each other about moments you enjoyed and moments you might change going forward. Keeping an open mind during conversations like these is critical to creating a safe and open space for each other to share.
Prioritizing the pleasure of your partner may also take the form of putting aside your agenda or tasks to make time for sex. Sometimes within a relationship, the everyday preoccupations can take over, leaving little room for spontaneous or romantic moments to occur. Other times, one or more partners might be experiencing changes in their mood, heightened stress, or feel overwhelmed in their work or personal lives. If your partner is in “the mood,” putting aside these tasks and emotions for a moment to focus on your partner and their pleasure can do so much for you and your relationship! Giving your partner(s) pleasure can reduce your own stress. For those with busy schedules or high anxiety professions, it may be useful to plan out dedicated time to focus on your partner. Using these scheduled times to prioritize your partner, cooking them their favorite meal, and exploring their sexual desires will make them feel valued and appreciated in your relationship.
While this concept may work really well for established relationships, I would push back on this idea for those socialized as women or outside the gender binary if they are in a new partnership or new to sex in general. These people are often taught that their pleasure is an afterthought if thought about at all, which can be really harmful to one’s relationship with sex. For those starting out, it is so important to be comfortable and confident in your body and to explore your relationship with pleasure. Knowing what you enjoy and learning to advocate for your desires is key to fostering a beneficial relationship with sex, which is why I would caution some against this idea until they are fully confident in their own pleasure.
By Sydney Sullivan