There’s a Difference: Types of Desire
When referring to sex, many of us use the terms “arousal” and “desire” interchangeably. According to sex therapist Leigh Norén, “arousal” refers to your physical reaction to sex while “desire” refers to your mental and emotional state. To explain physiological sexual behavior, Helen Kaplan Singer created the Triphasic Model which lists three main steps of sexual response: desire, excitement, and orgasm. With this model, excitement is also known as arousal. Arousal is undeniably important; bodily changes such as increased blood flow to sexual organs are critical in preparing you for enjoyable intimacy. Desire, on the other hand, is often overlooked but can be even more important to improving your sex life.
Desire refers to the mental and emotional state that contributes to your ability to experience arousal and prepares your body for sex. Desire in some ways relates to sex drive or libido, although it includes more than just the internal experience. It is important to note here that issues with sex drive in any capacity are worth discussing with a medical professional to make sure there are no underlying conditions. If you are experiencing issues with your sex drive, sex therapy can also help to uncover past emotions and experiences that may be contributing factors.
Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, a book on desire for vulva-owners, outlines three main types of sexual desire: spontaneous, responsive, and contextual. Spontaneous desire occurs out of the blue, without any outside factors affecting it. This is the type of sexual desire often portrayed in film and television, where a character will just randomly feel like having sex or is seemingly horny all the time. This type of desire is actually the least common for vulva-owners and the most common for those with male biology. Compared to the other types of desire, spontaneous desire requires the least amount of outside stimulation to achieve. For those with this type of desire, even the thought of having sex can spark the mood for them! If this is you, remember that it may not be as simple for your partner(s) to experience desire. Learning about their type may help you learn how to turn them on, so it doesn’t feel like you’re the only one in the mood!
Responsive desire occurs when sexual stimulation is presented first. Those who experience this type of desire may need to watch or read erotic content to feel aroused, or may need their partner(s) to initiate foreplay. For these people, their bodies require some outside sexy content to jumpstart their arousal. If this is you or your partner, make space for the warm-up/foreplay part of your sex! You may find that dedicating a few extra minutes to making sure you are both feeling aroused will lead to a more satisfying sexual experience overall. Being aware of this doesn’t mean that sex can’t still be spontaneous; the lead-up to sex can be the most exciting part, and you can start to initiate it minutes or hours before. Send a spicy message before getting home from work, or get a little handsy with each other at dinner.
Finally, contextual desire brings the surrounding environment and state of being into account. For those who experience contextual desire, they may only feel aroused once their surrounding environment feels stable, secure, and sexy. If there are many things requiring your mental and emotional focus, you may not be able to fully be present, which may hinder your arousal and enjoyment. If you or your partner experience contextual desire, consider how to get turned-on before touching; you can help clean, do small acts of service, and talk through anxious feelings before bringing sex into the conversation, so that by the time you do, you are ready for the sexual response to begin.
Once you are ready to start working with your desire type, there are four categories of sexual cues to play around with: love/emotional bonding cues, explicit/erotic cues, visual/proximity cues, and romantic/implicit cues. Love and emotional bonding cues are designed to convey closeness and attachment between you and your partner, so this may include talking about the future, showing acts of service for each other, and other love language examples. Explicit and erotic cues are overtly related to sex and include sending sexual messages, watching an adult scene in a movie, and daydreaming about a sexual encounter. Visual and proximity cues remind you of attraction in your surroundings, such as admiring a person’s body or having an enthralling conversation. Romantic and implicit cues foster feelings of love, such as a picturesque date night or sharing laughter. Cues from these categories can aid those with different types of desire to create desire for themselves or their partners.
It should not be difficult to identify yourself with one or more of these types of desire, and now the challenge is to work with, not against, your sexual response style. If you have a partner, this could be a valuable conversation to initiate. Start with your own experiences, sharing what you know about your own desire, and leave space for your partner to share too. These conversations best come best from a place of growth and support, so prioritize I-statements over accusations and assumptions. The knowledge of these overlapping levels of desire and categories of sexual cues helps you better verbalize your current state of arousal and assists in sharing a deeper connection with your partner(s).
By Sydney Sullivan