How to Talk About Consent with a New Partner

Talking about consent is an essential part of any relationship or sexual interaction. It’s the first step one should take in a sexual encounter. When you’re with a new partner it’s important to know what consent does and doesn’t look like. Consent is not accepting a free drink at the bar or a ride home after a night out partying. If someone is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, they cannot give consent. Consent is “an ongoing process of discussing boundaries and what you’re comfortable with.” (rainn.org) When it comes to sex, consent is ultimately “an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity.” (rainn.org) There’s a stigma around consent that talkig about it can be awkward, or even scary. This is not the case, as talking about consent is simple communication. It’s all about ensuring that everyone’s desires and needs are being met during sex. Consenting to sex means that everyone is being clear about “their wants and needs- and that partners are expecting eachothers limits.” (plannedparenthood) Talking about what you want in bed can ensure that your partner(s) feel respected and safe with you. If youre wondering how to ask for consent, you can use the following prompt:

• Ask: “Can I [fill in the blank]?” or “Do you want me to do [fill in the blank]?” And listen for the answer. It’s also important to pay attention to their body language and tone.
• If your partner says “yes” or makes it clear that they’re into it, then you have consent.
• If your partner says “no,” doesn’t say anything, or says yes but seems unsure or uncomfortable, then you DON’T have consent.” (plannedparenthood) 

If you’re with a new partner engaging in sex it can be easy to get caught up in the moment. If you feel things are moving too quickly or want to check in with a new partner during sex you can try one of the following phrases:

• “Are you comfortable?”
• “Is this okay?”
• “Do you want to slow down?”
• “Do you want to go any further?” (loveisrespect.org) 

Another thing to remember when talking about consent is the presence of preconceived gender roles in the bedroom. There are no rules about who can initiate intimacy and who desires/ has to perform specific sexual acts. The bedroom is not the place for pre-conceived notions of what sex should look like. Instead, focus on asking your partner(s) what they desire and respecting their needs/ boundaries. 

By: Alyssa Morterud