How to Respark Your Sex Life After Kids

By: Alyssa Morterud

For most people, having a child takes a significant toll on their sex life. It’s ironic that this is the case, considering how babies are conceived in the first place! Unfortunately, the joys of being a new parent typically do not include an increase in physical intimacy- to say parenting takes a lot of work is an understatement. Consequently, some individuals may feel disconnected from their partner(s) as “nurturing intimacy — even when exhausted or disconnected — contributes abundantly to personal and relationship fulfillment.” (parent map) Your friends may be telling you to just take some time for your partner- “go on a date night” is a phrase you may already be sick and tired of hearing. For new parents date nights “can involve staring at each other in a sleep-deprived haze over an expensive meal while intermittently glancing at your phone for updates from the babysitter.” (NYTimes) Unless you’re turned on by sleep deprivation, the whole date night solution most likely won’t ignite too much passion. But don’t fret, if you’re a new parent and you find yourself struggling with intimacy there are solutions- like sex therapy for parents. A certified sex therapist can help you work through the changes of welcoming a child into your life.

Sex Therapy For Parents

Psychologist, sex researcher, and head of the Dalhousie Couples and Sexual Health Laboratory in Canada Dr. Natalie Rosen provides some great advice for new parents:

“Nothing really prepares you for what it’s like to have a baby until you go through it yourself. Sleep deprivation, breastfeeding for moms, changing roles in the relationship from seeing your partner [or partners] as a partner and a spouse and a lover to also seeing them in this parental role, are all new changes and new stressors that might or might not fit with expectations.” (HuffingtonPost)

In this sense, it could be beneficial to look into sex therapy for parents and work through some of these new changes and stressors that Rosen notes. Some common concerns that a sex therapist can help you work through are as follows:

• Frequency in sex
• Changes in body image after carrying a child
• A mismatch in sexual desire
• The impact of Sleep deprivation on sexual interest
• Physical and emotional recovery after childbirth
  (HuffingtonPost)

Another issue that may arise with intimacy and childbearing is the side effects of breastfeeding. Rosen notes that “breastfeeding, which can cause vaginal dryness, can also contribute to painful intercourse…”. (HuffingtonPost) If you’re experiencing any sexual side effects as a result of the toll pregnancy takes on your body, a certified sex therapist can provide you with a safe space to figure out a solution to your problem. For example, you and your partner(s) can learn how to expand your sexual repertoire to include positions and sexual activities that are comfortable for your changing body. If you have pain, It’s also important to talk about where your pain or discomfort is located and maybe explore new positions that don’t cause discomfort.
Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life” also has some great tips that would be beneficial when used in conjunction with sex therapy for parents. If you delivered vaginally, your partner[s] “…may expect to begin having sex as early as six weeks after the baby is born, if you have been physically cleared to do so.” (NYTimes) Nagoski notes the pressure this puts on some relationships, as you may feel that the intimacy “clock is ticking.” However, a certified sex therapist will tell you that everybody is different and it may take longer for you to feel emotionally and physically ready to have sex. With this being said, “after any potential medical problems are ruled out, Dr. Nagoski advises couples to “start over” with one another by establishing a sexual connection in much in the same way they might have done when they were first getting to know each other: making out, holding each other and gradually moving in the direction of bare skin.” (NYTimes) This can be a great way to enhance intimacy and begin the journey to respark-ing your sex life after children!