What to do When Your Sex is Lacking Intimacy

by: Alyssa Morterud

   Sex is often labeled as the most intimate experience a person can have- but what happens when your sex lacks intimacy? The reality of sex is not what’s pictured in films- it’s messy and sometimes being THAT close to someone can be uncomfortable AF. Intimacy can be both emotional and physical- being able to achieve both in your sex life is not an easy feat for most. It’s important to note that “although the words [sex and intimacy] are often used interchangeably, are not the same thing.” (Sex Without Intimacy/Intimacy Without Sex) Isadora Alman MFT, CST breaks down the difference between sex and intimacy in an article for Psychology Today. A quick google search defines sex, or “human sexual activity” as “a variety of sexual acts, ranging from activities done alone to acts with another person in varying patterns of frequency, for a wide variety of reasons.” (Wikipedia) The textbook definition of sex doesn’t include anything about intimacy, emotional or physical.
Intimacy is often more difficult to achieve than the act of sex itself. For some people, it’s easier to feel physical pleasure than emotionally connect. Alman notes that “Intimacy… is much harder to achieve than simply rubbing body parts. It involves letting yourself be known—your hopes, desires, fears, and foibles—and knowing and accepting another person inside and out.”(are you missing intimacy?) In this sense, sex with a low level of intimacy is a very common struggle for people across all spectrums. Sex therapy can be a great help for people struggling with intimacy issues! However, if you’re having intimacy issues it may not be that easy for you to open up to somebody you don’t know. If you’re skeptical ( and of course if you’re not) keep reading this article, I promise you will at least come away with some insight into intimacy and sex.

How to Build Intimacy

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT wrote a helpful article on relationships lacking intimacy and I think it could be helpful for those of us who are currently struggling with intimacy issues, or those of us who have in the past. Lancer lists the following prerequisites for any type of intimacy, emotional or physical:

1. Safety
2. Trust
3. Self-awareness
4. Presence
5. Openness
6. Courage
7. Self-esteem
8. Autonomy
9. Mutuality (*9* prerequisites that come BEFORE Intimacy, no wonder it’s difficult to achieve!)

The above list is a good place to start if you’re struggling with intimacy. Reflect upon the position of the above values in your relationship, what are your strengths, your weaknesses? Lancer notes that “true intimacy requires an authenticity that involves being honest at the moment.” (are you missing intimacy?) Intimacy requires one to be present of how they are feeling in any given moment and aware of their partner’s (s)’ feelings as well. Self-confidence is important when it comes to intimacy because one cannot have a fear of being judged. In this sense, “saying “I love you,” if not sincere, can be less intimate than saying, “I don’t love you.” (are you missing intimacy?) According to Lancer, intimate conversations require the following:

• An authentic expression of deep feelings, not facts.
• Feelings that are in the present.
• Honoring one anothers’ separateness.
• Feelings discussed are about yourself or the person you’re with

If you’re struggling with intimacy in the bedroom, a conversation is a great place to start. If you and your partner(s) work on emotional intimacy, you will in turn be resparking your physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy can make a person desire sex in a way that was absent before. This is because “When satisfying sex and the closeness of intimacy are combined, it can be enormously satisfying!” (Sex Without Intimacy/Intimacy Without Sex)

 

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