Arousal Non-Concordance
Have you ever been with someone in bed and they whisper something like “you’re so wet” when you’re actually lying there, not that turned on, and thinking about all the things you need to get done tomorrow?
Like so much else in this world, sexual arousal is not a binary experience. In a survey of over 5000 people, 76% of respondents believed that increased natural lubrication meant a vulva owner was more aroused. However, according to research, this perfect overlap between feeling mentally and being physically sexually aroused appears to be far from the truth. This gap between physiological and subjective sexual arousal is also known as arousal non-concordance. It can confuse many about their sexualities and is a vital component in discussions around consent.
Physiological arousal is the physical response to sexual stimuli. This involves a rush of blood flow to the genitals, making the clitoris or penis become erect and sensitive and/or lubricated. These changes are simply physiological responses; the body responds to sexual stimuli and codes the stimuli as sexually relevant, not necessarily sexually appealing.
Subjective sexual arousal is feeling turned on, the positive engagement in sexual activity and attention that occurs as a response to sexual stimuli. This is also linked to the sensitivity of our Sexual Excitation System (SES) and The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS). Some people’s sexual accelerators are much more sensitive, while others may have a sensitive brake, which could easily snap them out of the mood. The sensitivity of one’s sexual “brakes” and “accelerator” is also entirely personal and subjective.
Although both those with penises and vulvas can experience genital responses during unwanted sexual contact and feel aroused without any genital response, arousal non-concordance is more common for those with vulvas than for those with penises. Multiple research studies have compared reported sexual arousal with the physiological arousal of both cisgender men and cisgender women when exposed to different videos and images. Unfortunately, the research on gender non-conforming and transgender people is still really limited in this area. The general trends suggest that the overlap in cisgender men’s subjective and physical arousal is about 50%, while for cisgender women, it is only about 10%. You are, therefore, unlikely to be able to predict one based on the other, and the false discourse that our bodies will always know best is essentially a type of gaslighting that can give rise to dangerous situations.
These differences may be due to social stigma and shame around female pleasure and sexuality, contributing to a more common mental block for women during sex. Meanwhile, social discourse and pressures about men always desiring sex may feed into men’s arousal non-concordance. Transgender and gender non-conforming people also experience arousal non-concordance, and gender dysphoria may play a role in shaping this experience. After all, our biggest sex organ is our brain.
When someone experiences physiological arousal but not subjective arousal, it is important to consider that this is simply the body responding to sexual stimuli and that this does not correlate to what someone finds sexually appealing. This physiological response can be equated to being tickled; the body responds with laughter regardless of if it is a pleasurable, welcomed experience. Acknowledging and understanding this can alleviate shame around feeling your body getting sexually aroused in nonsexual situations or as a response to content that is disgusting but sexual in nature.
In discussions about consent in both the private sphere and the courtroom, it is pivotal to recognize arousal non-concordance and never consider the physical manifestation of arousal, such as vaginal lubrication, erections, or orgasms, as consent. Arousal non-concordance should be brought to the forefront of all discussions, especially for victims of sexual trauma, who may feel ashamed when their bodies respond physically to sexual stimulation or stimuli. Verbal, enthusiastic consent should, therefore, always be emphasized and prioritized in these discussions.
Feeling subjectively aroused but without physiological arousal can also be confusing and shameful. A sexual partner may also feel ashamed and upset that they cannot please or arouse their partner, both of which are valid feelings but should never be used to manipulate someone sexually. Stress, hormone imbalances, prescription medication, trauma, and alcohol and drugs can all be contributing factors to this variant of arousal non-concordance. Stress especially can be difficult as it is both a product and a cause and may, therefore, create a continuous loop.
Open discussions with a partner and mindful self-exploration can help you better understand what turns you on and excites you about sex. We should check in with ourselves and how our bodies feel in nonsexual and sexual settings to better grasp what feels good. The environment created by your partner(s) and ideas about self-image can also impact how much physiological and subjective arousal overlap.
Arousal non-concordance is more the norm than the exception and not something that necessarily needs to be changed or fixed if someone feels they know themselves well and can communicate these feelings in a sexual setting. However, sexual trauma and/or pain related to sexual experiences may be worth consulting a medical professional about. Additionally, consulting a sex therapist might help clarify the causes and suggest ways forward, should one feel arousal non-concordance significantly impacts their life negatively.