Explore a New Kink: What Conversations Should I Have with my Partner? Ft: Hunter English

Introducing the idea of exploring a new Kink can bring up reasonable feelings of anxiety, fear, and even shame. It is completely normal for these feelings to arise while approaching your partner with a new sexual interest. Even more so if the kink isn’t popular in mainstream media or prior dialogue about it has been less than neutral.

If you or your partner(s) are interested in introducing a new kink, fetish, or BDSM play into your sex life, something that can be a very valuable and informative experience is kink-aware couple’s therapy.  We spoke with Respark Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist – Candidate, Hunter English (she/her) to gain insight on what are some questions you can use as conversation starters to discuss exploring a new kink with your partner(s).

What is Kink-Aware Couples Therapy?

A kink-aware therapist has special training and awareness to approach and discuss kink and sexuality outside the vanilla script and can discern between harmful and safe kink practices. This therapist works out of a sex-positive framework with the understanding that sex, sexuality, and pleasure outside the cis-het vanilla script are not abnormal and are worth exploring.

Kink-Aware Couples Therapy can be incredibly beneficial beyond education on kinks and safe kink practices between partners. Introducing a new kink, one that maybe challenges your definition of sex, your comfortability, or the norms of your sexual desires, requires far more communication, back-and-forth, negotiations, and analysis of the Yes, No, Maybe. With the support of a kink-aware couples’ therapist, couples can learn how to navigate discomfort, obstacles, possible ruptures, and repairs empathetically and kindly.

Why does this kink interest you or your partner?

To start, this is by no means calling you to justify yourself or your kink. New kinks and sexual interests are to be explored with open curiosity, a desire to learn, and an openness to or not experiment.

When exploring your kink with a partner, it’s encouraged to be open about what draws you to this kink and how your partner can be an active participant and find pleasure and enjoyment. It may also be valuable to explore the building blocks for this kink and how you and your partner can navigate them together. For instance, with anal kink, you do not just jump straight to penetration by penis or dildo. There is a building process. How does this building process apply to your kink, if at all?

A kink-aware therapist can aid you and your partner in navigating all these conversations while maintaining healthy communication. The therapist can ensure space is held for the partner vocalizing the kink, so their thoughts, emotions, and sexuality are heard as they deserve to be in a shame- and judgment-free space.

Yes, No, and Maybe.

The Yes, No, Maybe system is a way to explore within yourself, and alongside your partner, what sexual activities or interests are a “Yes,” a “No,” or a “Maybe.” Sometimes, when initiated by our partners to try something new, we might become overwhelmed with an eagerness to please that we dismiss internal signals that what is being asked of us resonates as a “no,” or “maybe.” Although well intended, this might lessen the likelihood of a positive experience as receptivity, positivity, and openness are critical components when exploring a new kink. Even one you end up not liking.

Going through the Yes, No, Maybe diagram with the support of a kink-aware clinician can aid couples in developing communication skills in sexual exploration, self-advocacy, and self-evaluation collaboratively. The Yes, No, Maybe can, and probably will, evolve as both the individual and relationship evolve and grow over time. Having someone who can help you build those skills so you can do it on your own as needed is incredibly beneficial to an individual and couple’s sex life.

If you’re looking for a printable Yes, No, Maybe checklist. Respark has you covered. Download Respark’s Yes, No, Maybe checklist here.

Does any partner have any worries or concerns?

Exploring a new kink is not always easy. Reasonably, partners may have safety or sanitary concerns that are worth discussing and navigating. A kink might bring up a harmful experience or traumatic event, or it may shake the perceived foundation of a couple’s sex life or sexual outlook, or that of a partner within the dynamic. Overcoming these obstacles is not always accomplished in a single, casual conversation. Kinks like CNC (consensual non-consent) can be difficult to participate in enthusiastically if a partner has unresolved sexual trauma or has had their sense of autonomy challenged or harmed. Or perhaps a partner wants to explore their sexuality or have a threesome WITH their primary partner. It is not uncommon for the other partner’s sense of security or stability in the relationship to shake given the monogamy-pushing world we live in.

A Kink-aware couple’s therapist can provide support in navigating all these conversations and can provide referrals and resources if one or both partners may benefit from individual work.

Looking for a kink-aware couples therapist?

At Respark, we have clinicians who are kink-aware and are ready to help you and your partner(s) have an open, honest discussion around kink. If you resonate with Hunter’s questions and answers, you can book directly with Hunter online. Ready to start your kink-aware couples therapy journey with a different kink-aware Respark therapist? We have experts in Texas, Colorado, Washington, Utah, and Missouri ready to help you take that first step. Take our quiz to determine who is the best therapist fit for you and either schedule directly online or contact our care team.