What Questions Should I Ask A Colorado Sex Therapist? Ft: Hunter English

For many, starting therapy can be a daunting task. You may be unsure of what questions you should ask your Colorado sex therapist. We spoke with Respark Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist – Candidate, Hunter English (she/her) to gain insight on what are some questions clients can ask in therapy.

 

What is a safe word/action?

In kink and BDSM, it is common to hear about safe words, the word that stops everything that’s going on for whatever reason. Or maybe you heard of safe words from Kevin Heart’s special Laugh at My Pain when he started screaming “PINEAPPLES” repeatedly. Hilarious and almost accurate. Safe words can stop and slow down a scene [sex], and safe actions serve the same purpose if someone cannot speak or speak loudly enough.

It may serve you to explore with your therapist what arises within yourself emotionally or physically that brings you to use a slow or stop word or action. This processing is valuable because then you can put together an aftercare plan (i.e., what you and your partner will do to provide you with emotional support and regulation.)

 

How do I change things up?

This is possibly one of the more common questions people ask when entering the Kink and BDSM world. Something significant to discuss is how you and your partner(s) define sex and intimacy. Does sex start at penetration? Does sex start at oral sex? What about kissing with the intention of sexual intimacy until orgasm? From this point, you and your sex therapist can explore what you are looking to “spice up” and beyond adding to your pre-existing sex life, possibly awakening lost lusts and discovering layers to intimacy that were once hidden.

If you’re looking to spice things up in your partnership, it could be recommended you work with a Sex Therapist in Colorado who works with couples. By working with a couple’s sex therapist, the processing and exploration can be done together so the couple can build or enhance communication about sex, pleasure, fantasies, and more. Couples where a partner has a different definition of sex than the other is common, so are having different fantasies and sexual curiosities. So why not explore, learn, and find new pleasure together!

 

How do I know the difference between kink and abuse?

Great question! When searching for a sex therapist in Colorado, it’s very important to search for one who is both trauma and kink-informed. Where kink and abuse can overlap are the behaviors themselves. For example, in impact play, objects like paddles, whips, floggers, and more are used to impact a partner, and the impact can range from soft and delicate to sharply painful. The act of hitting a partner with hands or objects also occurs in physically abusive relationships. The distinction is in the process of consent, negotiations, and having safety plans where the recipient of the impact play can always pause or end the scene.

When exploring this with a therapist, it may be beneficial to process what you want to gain from performing or receiving different kinks. You can also explore safe practices and communication skills for what many would consider an intimidating discussion.

 

What does “negotiation” mean?

Negotiations are one of the most crucial components of kink and BDSM. Why? This is when the people participating in the scene discuss what will be occurring, who is open to what, what are some ‘maybes,” what people are entirely uninterested in, safety plans, and more. Having these discussions can be difficult if talking about sex, sexual fantasies, or advocating for yourself sexually is something you struggle with. If these topics are something you find yourself struggling with, exploring these obstacles with a competent sex therapist could be incredibly beneficial.

As previously mentioned in section, How do I Change Things Up, if you’re looking to explore kink and BDSM with your partner, working through and processing both what goes into, and what might come up, when discussing negotiations could be facilitated by a couples therapist to assist in the togetherness of this journey.

 

What do I do if something triggers me during kinky sex?

First, it’s important to note that triggers can come up during sex that does and does not involve components of kink and BDSM. Because navigating sexual triggers is a unique case-by-case basis, it would be essential to explore what comes up in the mind and body once triggered, what is the trigger itself, and potentially resolve any unresolved traumas. When someone gets triggered, it may be valuable to have various options of self-regulation tools, aftercare practices that your partner can participate in. The regulation or aftercare practice can depend on the person, the trigger, and the situation in which it arises. Being able to advocate for yourself when triggered and requesting and receiving supportive care from your partner is very important if someone is triggered during sex.

If something like prior abuse or sexual abuse is triggered during intimacy, it is highly encouraged to seek professional support.

Ready to take the first step on your therapy journey?

There is no way to “be bad” at therapy and there are no wrong questions to ask. If you resonate with Hunter’s questions and answers, you can book directly with Hunter online. Ready to start your therapy journey with a different Respark therapist? We have experts in Texas, Colorado, Washington, Utah, and Missouri ready to help you take that first step. Take our quiz to determine who is the best therapist fit for you and either schedule directly online or contact our care team.