The Effect BPD Has on Your Sex Life
Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is a highly stigmatized mental illness misunderstood and poorly portrayed in the media. The National Alliance on Mental Health Disorder defines BP) as a “condition categorized by difficulties regulating emotion.” It is a chronic psychological condition in which individuals experience high impulsivity and instability and struggle to maintain long-term personal and social relationships. People with BPD experience intense emotions over a long period, ultimately making it difficult to calm down after extremely triggering events. The symptoms of BPD can significantly affect a person’s sex life; for many, it can create negative attitudes toward sex and increase sexual impulsivity.
There are nine symptoms of BPD, although people only need five to be diagnosed:
- Fear of abandonment
- Unstable relationships
- Unclear or shifting self-image
- Impulsive behavior
- Self-harm
- Extreme emotional swings
- Explosive anger
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Out of touch with reality
Individuals diagnosed with BPD can experience “mixed feelings” about sex and often feel coerced into sex due to their fear of rejection and abandonment. Blueheart Therapy says that BPD can lower an individual’s libido, making it harder for people with BPD to be sexually satisfied. On the other hand, an emotionally triggering event or episode can increase sexual impulsivity, meaning people with BPD may engage in more casual unpremeditated sex. People with BPD may use sex to feel fulfilled or connected to other people. Blueheart describes this behavior as “a desire to fill a void or feel wanted.”
In a 2011 study, scholars found that individuals with BPD are more likely to engage in sex earlier in life, be exposed to child sex abuse, be coerced into sex, and have more casual sex partners. All of these demonstrate the multifaceted struggles that those with BPD face regarding sex, but those with BPD can still have happy and fulfilling sex lives.
The first step in working towards a better sex life is understanding that it is never anyone’s fault for having a difficult relationship with sex, especially those living with BPD. Being patient and taking the time to understand all partners’ individual wants and desires is crucial.
To prevent unwanted sexual experiences, individuals with BPD and their partners must have effective communication strategies. Partners of those with BPD must be conscious of their partner’s episodes and how those instances could blur the lines of consent and intention. Discussing boundaries and desires can be uncomfortable, but it is necessary to reduce the risk of coercion or any unwanted sexual experience.
Regarding sex and relationships, people with BPD face personal obstacles, societal stereotypes, and pressures. In a personal essay with Healthline, Kylie Rodriguez-Cayro shared how women with BPD are sexually fetishized. She grew up being portrayed as a “crazy woman” who was exciting and “great in bed,” but ultimately deemed “too much work” for a long-term successful relationship.
“He became enamored with certain aspects of my disorder,” shared Rodriguez-Cayro about her first long-term boyfriend, “I was a girlfriend who was sometimes risky, impulsive, sexual, and empathetic to a fault. Yet the moment my symptoms shifted from ‘quirky’ to ‘crazy’…I became disposable.”
The sexual stigmatization of women with BPD comes from a long history in which mentally ill women were deemed “hysterical” by male medical professionals. That stereotype is embedded within how society dehumanizes and overly sexualizes women with mental illnesses—men’s magazines, like the Gotham Club, are an example of this. “I’ve shown you that when a girl is acting ‘crazy,’ it means she’s opening up to you,’ says Gotham Club writer Ruwan Meepagala, “and that benefits you in the bedroom.”
Online forums, social media, and digital media continue to produce content that perpetuates harmful and false notions about women, BPD, and mental illnesses.
However, there are amazing digital resources that are helping fight against BPD stigma, like Blueheart Therapy, National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder, and Stop Walking on Eggshells. All of these advocates against the hypersexualization of individuals with BPD and provide accurate information for people with BPD seeking to improve their health and relationship with sex. Preventing the spread of misinformation and hate all starts with having a conversation and not being afraid to speak up when individuals say harmful stereotypes. Having BPD can be difficult especially when it impacts your sexual and romantic life, but people like Roriguez-Cayro, upset the norm and prove that anyone can build a healthy relationship with sex.
By Abby Stuckrath