Your Sexual Yes/No/Maybe Checklists Updated

You might have seen our post last year about the Sexual Yes, No, Maybe checklists as we’ve recommended to sex therapists and other providers who want to help their clients spice up or improve their sex lives. These organized checklists are just as useful to couples and singletons because you can explore things to try on your own or with future partners. Poly folks can also make use of these tools as they meet new partners and discuss which activities they’re okay with their partners doing with others.

Getting Started with Your Sexual Yes/No/Maybe Checklists

These lists come in a variety of formats. They don’t need to be fancy, and you could easily make your own with pen and paper. But there are plenty of PDFs and spreadsheets that you can download for your personal use. Spreadsheets are often the easiest way to add and edit items, however.

Most Yes, No Maybe lists are pretty similar, save for how many items they contain, but you want to make sure you’re on the same page as your partner by clearly indicating what “yes” means to you. Specifically, “Yes” could mean you’ve tried and liked something or that you’re willing, and this could impact how you approach that activity. A few lists, like this one from Bex Talks Sex, differentiate between the two types of yes, or you could add a note on your list if the difference is significant to you. We recommend Bex’s list because it includes options for whether you want to give, receive, or both, and how you feel about activities. The more information, the better!

Similarly, Scareteen’s sexual inventory stocklist includes options for “I don’t know” and just a “Fantasy” along with items for boundaries and language use. Autostraddle has another great Yes, No Maybe list. Although the website is for queer women, anyone can use the list.

Whether you’re filling out your list for fun or at the suggestion of your therapist, give yourself plenty of time to answer and avoid discussing it with your partner before you’re done. Your answers should reflect your interests and desires, not your partner’s. If you’re unsure what an activity or object is, look it up before marking an answer. Sometimes a quick search will tell you that you need to know more before actually trying something, which can be helpful for those “Maybes.”

Of Course, There’s an App for That!

You might prefer apps to a physical Yes, No, Maybe checklist because they’re more engaging. Some also save your information, so you don’t have to worry about losing a file or physical copy (as long as the website or app exists). Being able to send a link or code to your partner is also incredibly convenient. The options below have you covered.

• Mojo Upgrade is a popular site where partners separately list and rank their interests on either the same or separate devices. Then, it tells you your matches, so there are no worries about judgment if one of you has an interest that the other doesn’t.
• We Should Try It is a basic website that similarly only shows your matched interests. But the company also makes the Spicer website and app, which features more questions and even lets users add their own.
• The questions on Carnal Calibration are similar to other sites, but you can choose question categories and leave comments on specific items. 
• The Human Sex Map uniquely depicts different sexual and kinky activities. You can place pins for those you’ve tried and liked, tried and didn’t like, want to try, and would only do in fantasy. 
• You can also check out Kindu (Android/iOS), Desire (Android/iOS), or Sex Fantasy Quiz (website).

What About BDSM Checklists?

Sexual Yes/No/Maybe Checklists might sound pretty familiar to anyone who has at least read about BDSM and kink. They’re a common tool, and the Internet is full of examples. They tend to be more exhaustive and a little intimidating if you’re not familiar with kink. So you don’t necessarily need a BDSM checklist unless you’re actively interested in kink. But if you are, BDSM checklists are often more advanced than basic Yes, No, Maybe lists.  For example, some have options for experience level, which role you prefer to take, limits, and more. 

If you’re looking for a digital tool that caters to BDSM or kink, consider the BDSM Test, which allows you to create an account and save your responses and has short and long test modes. KinkTest creates a custom URL for your responses, but you can’t update your account without doing the test again. Neither is designed for couples specifically, but you can share with your partner(s).

Check Back from Time to Time

Sexual Yes/No/Maybe Checklists aren’t just useful as initial tools. You and your partner can and should revisit them periodically. As you experiment sexually, it’s likely that some opinions and/or perspectives may shift things around. For example, if you discover that you love rope bondage, it might become an emphatic “Yes.” But if you give anal play a shot a couple of times and it does nothing for you, it might move from “Maybe” to “No.” It’s also not uncommon for people to eventually come around to the idea of trying something that they’d never considered in the past as they become more experienced and confident. So if you’ve exhausted all the matches on your current Yes/No/Maybe list, there might be new opportunities to try in the future, even if you’re with the same partner!

By Nicole Martinez