Looking at Serial Monogamy

With much attention being given to polyamory, Consensual Non-Monogamy, and group ventures lately, it’s easy for other relationship types to be overlooked. This is the case for serial monogamy or staying single for relatively short time periods before entering another committed relationship. While many engage in this relationship-hopping pattern, the intricacies of this dating style have yet to be fully explored. As with many sexual relationships, understanding the first biological background, and any societal context is important to recognize any underlying factors that may affect the individual experiences partners have in their relationship. By synthesizing the known information out there, we can then begin to look at our own relationship history and question our desires in the pursuit of healthy relationships with not only our partner(s) but ourselves. Let’s be clear that being serially monogamous is not necessarily a “bad” thing. There are plenty of ways to have healthy relationships while also being in many long-term relationships back-to-back. The most important thing comes from a deeper understanding of the self and the world systems one exists within. In doing this, we’ll look at the evolution of serial monogamy, its complexities within modern-day culture, and the personal experiences of serial monogamists. 

As would be expected, the evolutionary purpose behind sex is strictly reproduction. Thus, serial monogamy lends itself to the ability of males to spread their genetics further than they would in only one long-term, loyal relationship. Already, here, we see the interaction of society with biology because, as you can imagine, in non-human species, the idea of long-term relationships is much more fluid and non-institutionalized. However, taking modern-day cultural expectations into account, studies show that men who re-marry have a higher percentage of offspring on average than men who only marry once. 

The benefits of serial monogamy do not only apply to men, though. Research suggests that women are actually more often the beneficiaries of multiple marriages over the course of a lifetime. This brings us to the institution of marriage itself. As relationships were made legal, society’s priorities shifted. For instance, with the introduction of marriage, financial structures were set up to favor the working husband, while wives stayed home to child rear and perform sex-effective, unpaid labor. Interestingly, this typical cycle changes with the introduction of divorce. As divorces became more societally acceptable and normalized, women found themselves in positions to re-marry. These second marriages have the potential to be more financially lucrative than their former counterparts, and thus, women gain a means of social mobility. This means that, in some small way, the institution of marriage can allow women to reach towards economic independence, so long as these marriages are serial relationships. 

Another intersection of evolutionary and societal context comes from Sexually Transmitted Infections. Because STIs are more prevalent when engaging in sexual acts with multiple partners, it would seem to make sense for humans to evolve away from non-committed intercourse. However, studies show that this relationship only holds true with STIs that are fatal and that their potential rate of spread is not biologically considered. Therefore, it is not likely that serial monogamous relationships are a direct result of naturally selecting against STIs. Instead, the social context likely has a stronger hold on this area. 

Culturally, when engaging in sex with multiple partners and trying to protect against STIs, one would need to use condoms and/or simply choose not to have sex with multiple partners. In this way, serial monogamy may be enticing because you don’t necessarily have to limit your desires, only take your time with them. This is more relevant for younger generations, as this is the population most likely to have riskier sex. In fact, when examining the relationship between serial monogamy and alcohol use, it is proven that alcohol use during the first sexual encounter is extremely likely to lead to unprotected sex. The relationship between unprotected sex and serial monogamy is then only made safe when the partners decide to remain each other’s only sexual partner, at least for the time being. This might incentivize the couple to enter a relationship in which they don’t need to use condoms, but still, feel a sense of security. Although, to ensure safety, remember to get STI checked regularly when starting intimacy with a new partner(s). The serial relationship aspect is, thus, easy to conceptualize relationship by relationship without recognizing the emerging pattern. 

The individual, qualitative reasons for patterned serial monogamous relationships are less studied. Based on personal writings, some deduce that serial monogamous relationships are the effect of fear, a desire for adventure, and a hopeless romantic mentality. Struggling to stay single for long periods of time suggests that the individual may be afraid to be alone, a vital coping mechanism for life’s inevitable ups and downs. Additionally, leaving a relationship for another may be due to the unquenchable thirst for the novelty of fresh sex and love. It is common for serial monogamous people to only leave their current relationship when they suspect another is lined up or interested in them. However, this often leads to feelings of unfulfillment and heartbreak. Finally, holding out hope for “the one” can narrow one’s sights and lead to only surface-level interactions. These struggles are real and suggest the need for deeper inner healing, despite the worldly contributors. If you find yourself concerned about your serial monogamous pattern, consider reaching out to one of Respark’s sex therapists for exploration in the pursuit of truly healthy relationships. 

By Emily Carriere