The Sex Cleanse: A Reset on Your Sex Life
What is a Sex Cleanse?
A sex cleanse is a temporary departure from the sexual routine that partners may fall into. It’s a break from certain sexual practices or from sex entirely, but not from the relationship itself. It’s like hitting the reset button on your sex life. A sex cleanse calls for a deeper focus on emotional connection and non-sexual intimacy to strengthen the relationship or eventually improve your sex life. A sex cleanse can take any form that works for you and your partner, but the two most common types are 1) a break from a specific sex act, such as penetrative sex, or 2) a break from sex in its entirety. These types are beneficial for different reasons.
First Method
The first is described by famous podcaster, Emily Morse, host of the Sex With Emily podcast. Morse explains this type of break is designed to break up the routine aspect of your sex life and introduce alternative sex acts that may add to the overall sexual relationship. For example, if partners remove penetrative sex – and this can mean different things for different couples but might include penile penetration, toy penetration, or fingering – then their moments of intimacy turn to other actions, like sensual massage, oral, mutual masturbation, and more. For partners who feel like they are “stuck in a rut” in their sex lives and fall into the routine of kissing-penetration-orgasm, this method can diversify sex. It may also lead to a deepened desire for and understanding of the act removed. In this example, partners may find that penetration adds a dimension to their sex and gain an increased desire for it once the break is over.
Second Method
The second method goes a bit deeper. For these couples, it isn’t just about getting bored in the bedroom, but rather that sex itself has become too routine and ordinary, and may have lost some of the sparks from the beginning of the relationship. A Poosh article put it best:
“Sometimes, the expectation of regular sex with a long-term partner can have the opposite effect on desire, and come more from a place of obligatory maintenance than passionate connection.”
This experience is so common, especially in long-term relationships, and it isn’t indicative of any larger issues in the relationship. Rather, it just means that the importance of sex in the relationship has been changed from an opportunity to explore and connect to just another checklist item for the day or week. In these situations, cleanses are a great way to step back and reevaluate your desires with your partner so that when you reconnect sexually, you can fully appreciate and experience sex for what it can be.
This type of break (where you remove all sex for the duration of the cleanse) can also be referred to as “sex detoxes.” This term is also used for single individuals who are taking personal breaks from engaging in intimacy. The reframing of a “detox” to a “cleanse” serves to remove some of the stigma from sex, particularly casual sex. A “sex detox” is often used in the context of describing a single woman taking a break from frequent, reckless, casual sex. This inherently frames sex, and this example of sex, as a negative practice that can detract from your value. A sex cleanse, on the other hand, is designed to center sex as an important practice to keep, and places significance on intentional execution. For many people, intentional, meaningful sex with a partner increases connection and intimacy in the relationship. At the end of the day, the most important focus should be a reflection on your own desires and openly sharing them with your partner so that you may grow your intimacy together.
For both of these options, there are no limits or boundaries explicitly set out. Partners should begin this process with an in-depth conversation on their own needs and desires, as well as motivations for embarking on such a cleanse. This article from Spun Out has a great guide to having these more serious conversations, including where, when, and how to address these topics without creating or escalating interpersonal conflict. In this conversation, you and your partner may set time constraints, deciding to do the cleanse for as little as a week or as long as a month. There are no limits to decisions like these, and they really depend on what feels right for you and your partner. In monogamous relationships, a cleanse would not involve substituting sex with outside parties during this time, so it may be beneficial to make that clear. Instead, the cleanse would serve as a space for exploration of your desires and connection with your partner in alternative ways.
Ready to Try a Sex Cleanse?
The Poosh article and Sex with Emily infographic both highlight some of the benefits of a sex cleanse, including rediscovering intentionality in the bedroom and exploring new ways of connecting with your partner. However, depending on your partnership, a sex cleanse may not be right for you. For some, physical intimacy and sex are an integral part of connecting with your significant other, and removing this aspect of the relationship could be damaging. Such a decision also requires a high level of open and honest communication, and if that is not a strong suit of your partnership then it may be more difficult to successfully navigate. Without this communication, you run the risk of sending a negative message to your partner that your sex life is undesirable, uncomfortable, or boring. Even if that’s true, it’s important to frame a sex cleanse as a positive opportunity to increase intimacy instead of a bandage for a deeper issue.
This is where a Respark therapist can help step in. By helping you and your partner learn how to communicate better or even help to facilitate the conversation you and your partner can start to increase your intimacy. With therapists in Texas, Colorado, Washington, Utah, and Missouri and coaching available worldwide, you and your partner(s) can respark your relationship. Take our quiz below to get matched with your perfect couples coach or therapist today.
By Sydney Sullivan
