Top Five Couples Therapy Books
Though many of us wish, marriage and relationships are not simple. Hardships and various issues are normal in all relationships but can be especially present with our significant partners. When facing a conflict in your relationship, remember two things: you are not alone nor the first to have struggled in a relationship, which is why there are a plethora of materials, strategies, and exercises to assist. Seeking out a couple or sex therapist is often the first thing a couple does when experiencing difficulties in their relationship, but if you’re apprehensive about reaching out to a therapist or are curious about some of the things you may learn/ what techniques you might practice in therapy, you can start with some couples therapy books or workbooks. Couples therapy books are not just for couples who are experiencing problems—they can be beneficial for all couples! These books contain helpful tips and other information to help you sustain, embrace, or rekindle your relationship. If you’re utilizing a workbook, you can also complete exercises with your partner to help you navigate any issues and strengthen your bond as a couple. If you find yourself skeptical of the benefits of utilizing couples therapy books or workbooks, just remember that you shouldn’t knock something until you try it! It may be beneficial to use these books in tandem with seeing a couples or sex therapist to get the most out of them. However, you can most definitely learn how to navigate your relationship with couples therapy books independently and maybe consult a therapist later down the road.
If you’re looking for recommendations for some of the best couples therapy books or workbooks to consult, you’ve come to the right place! We at Respark have compiled a shortlist of some of the best books for you to check out to help you on your relationship journey. Keep in mind that while some of these books may be marketed as marriage books, the information within them can be applied to all relationships! The books below can be found on our sister site, Sexual Health Alliance’s Bookshop.org page and all links are affiliate links, which means SHA can make a small commission through purchases. This helps to support our sex-positive efforts—If you so choose to, feel free not to use the links provided.
1. The Seven Principles for Doing Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman and Nan Silver
This book is marketed toward couples who find themselves in a stagnant place in their relationship and feel stuck, whether that be sexually or emotionally. Gottman and Silver’s book aims to assist in intensifying communication between you and your partner, leading to enhanced intimacy and hopefully some movement within your relationship. In the book, Gottman discusses behaviors that he observed in successful marriages and those that are detrimental to marriage, based on research conducted at his “Love Lab” in Seattle, Washington. He outlines seven principles that will reinforce the positive aspects of a relationship and help marriages endure during the rough moments. These principles include enhancing your love map (a term Gottman uses to describe the center of a person’s brain where they store relevant information about their partner) and nurturing your fondness and admiration among other things. This book’s success also stems from it being a workbook! Exercises are offered throughout the book to assist couples in creating connections and improving communication and emotional expression; these exercises serve to strengthen both the individual and the couple as a whole.
2. A Marriage of Equals by Catherine E. Aponte
Written by clinical psychologist Catherine E. Aponte, A Marriage of Equals is a great resource for couples who are looking to incorporate more collaboration into their relationship and work on equality. Dr. Aponte coined the term collaborative negotiation in the book as a means of achieving balance in a relationship. According to this book, collaborative negotiation can look like many different things such as cultivating new ways to achieve individual and couple goals, creating and sustaining a satisfying sex life, figuring out where you stand on fidelity, thinking about having and caring for kids, and have a committed and satisfying family life. The book also offers some insight on conflict, with Aponte pointing out how fighting often leads to individual self-protection and how the protection style of your partner can reveal much about them and maybe even your relationship. This book could be helpful for couples who often find themselves in conflict and want to learn more about how they react to their partner. While this book doesn’t contain exercises, it does include takeaways at the end of each chapter that can be great for promoting discussion between you and your partner.
3. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman
This book depicts how couples can become confused, angry, and resentful when their partner does not acknowledge or appreciate their attempts to show love. It’s useful for couples who have occasional conflicts, as most couples do. This book stresses the importance of open communication, expressing feelings, listening and validating, and learning what your partner values. Chapman asserts that couples would better understand how their partner gives and receives love if they were familiar with their partner’s love language. He then looks to understand the different types of love languages to highlight communication methods within relationships. The book provides comprehensive details about love languages, allowing individuals to explore and understand communication patterns in all relationships within their lives, not just romantic ones. In this sense, the book can be a useful tool for strengthening all forms of relationships, not just your romantic ones by gaining a better general understanding of love languages and communication. The book also offers several questionnaires so readers can determine their and their partner’s individual love languages and learn tips on appreciating and understanding that specific language.
4. Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning
This book focuses on improving communication, increasing coping, healthy conflict resolution, and commitment. It can definitely be utilized by any couple and can help better communication and enhance emotional intimacy. McKay and Fanning divide the book into four sections and focus on strategies and solutions rather than perceptions and opinions. The four sections in the book include basic skills, advanced skills, anger and conflict management, and problem-solving techniques. They emphasize that a couple should employ particular strategies to avoid conflict within their relationship rather than getting hung up on each person’s perception of the event. This book acts as a starting point for beginners who may have never read a couples therapy book before, the essential skills section. Moreover, all chapters are independent of one another, so you don’t have to feel as if you need to read the whole book to gain knowledge. If you’re simply looking for a few skills to help navigate your relationship, this book definitely would be one to check out. There are also exercises, journaling, logging, and workbooks in each chapter that allow you to practice any skills that you are taught in each section.
5. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
This book takes a more modernized approach to healing and strengthening a relationship. In the book, Dr. Johnson shares her strategy of Emotionally Focused Therapy, a practice that couples therapists consider adequate. EFT centers on the power of emotional connection between you and your partner and looks to rebuild that emotional connection as a first step in healing your relationship. Enhancing your emotional connection with your partner can do wonders for your physical connection if you find that your relationship lacks intimacy. To re-establish an emotional connection, the book guides you and your partner through seven critical conversations that will help you heal the wounds of your relationship. This book holds its own by promoting dialogue between you and your partner and guiding you through the process—it’s almost like having a couples therapist on your bookshelf! You work on having and cultivating deep, meaningful conversations with your partner while not worrying about what happens if you hit a roadblock. In addition, you will be able to consult the book through your conversation and may wind up making significant progress along the way.
We hope you enjoyed exploring some of these book recommendations, and remember that this list is just the beginning! There are many couples therapy books out there, and it may take some time for you to find the ones that are right for you. Also, remember that every relationship is different, and no book is one-size-fits-all. While most couples therapy books contain valuable information, they may not be the information you need to help you with your relationship journey. One of the best things you can do if you find yourself feeling burnt out from exploring the world of couples therapy books is to talk to a sex or couples therapist themselves! Remember that couples therapists are licensed professionals that are trained to provide you with solutions that are unique to your specific relationship. They also will be able to point you in the direction of books that have a higher chance of benefiting your relationship and helping you solve any problems you may encounter. In other words, consulting a sex or couples therapist will make it much easier for you to understand the needs of your relationship. Books are definitely a great place to start but they most likely won’t be able to help you navigate the entirety of your relationship journey. If you’re looking for a sex or couples therapist feel free to consult us at Respark and we can help you find the right person to help you.
By Alyssa Morterud