The Death of Eros: An Interpretation of Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity

The Death of Eros: An Interpretation of Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity

By Katherine Van Noy, MSN, PMHNP-BC 

Sex with a new partner… the ultimate journey through space and time, like a rocket ship blasting
through an infinite star system of colors, boldly traveling through that which we have not experienced
before – another being’s universe. The novelty of feeling, tasting and touching something which we
have not yet known. Floating softly on the rings of Saturn, caressing the stars and moons with fingertips,
tasting the sweet air of Mars, inhaling the purple clouds of Venus, and the ecstasy of the coveted
orgasm washing like a wave upon us. Ah… new sex, there is nothing like it in this world.

But sex isn’t always as exciting as space travel and as relationships grow and time passes, the
rocket ship gets a little old and dusty and the galaxy loses its charm, because well… we have been there
before. The thrill of adventure is gone and there are other things to do now because someone has to
maintenance this rocket engine, someone has to pay for the fuel, and there are these little creatures we
created along the way, now running amuck in the ship demanding attention with their snotty noses and
smiles. Life as it were… happens and for a long-term relationship, this can indeed be the death of Eros
(desire).

Enter Esther Perel, sex therapist extraordinaire and author of Mating in Captivity. Esther is like a
breath of fresh air, brilliant, thoughtful, forgiving and inspiring. Her beautiful prose contain case studies
which read like stories so anyone can enjoy the pleasure of leaning into the page. Through her
anecdotes we find the tale of modern-day love and the expectation of our partner to be our everything.
Not just our mate, but also our best friend, our counselor, our counterpart, our accountant, our co-
parent, our judge and jury, our lover… but lover doesn’t quite cut it either because we expect our lover
to be a good lover too. A tall order for any human, to be someone else’s everything. Maybe… an
impossible feat?

When we’re young, we have no doubt about our utter commitment to our partner or our ability
to fulfill all these roles. We possess a blanket desire to believe in the one true love, like star crossed
lovers whose dedication and desire knows no earthly bounds. Maybe that can last for a while… but
ultimately, life comes into account. Bills need to be paid, work attended, laundry washed, children
reared, and the modern-day couple is left with a fatigue, an emptiness, washed of ecstasy and empty of
desire.

Eroticism dies a slow and painful death in the long-term relationship. Eros is mindlessly ejected
from the very rocket ship we covet, drifting into space with no more protection than a leaking oxygen
tank. We watch poor Eros aimlessly waft out alone, suffocating in the dark galaxy of intimacy. We live on
as partners, maybe fantasizing secretly or resentfully expecting our partner to read our sexual minds.
“That’s just what happens when you’ve been married this long,” we say to ourselves, and… we are still
connected, we have this intimacy thing, we know each other, respect each other, make good decisions
together… but now the relationship sounds more like a convenient business arrangement and nothing
like the erotic enjoyment and sensual exploration of desire. We tell ourselves intimacy is our savior from
the unhappy fate of divorce and separation, but maybe intimacy produces boredom and complacency,
and maybe as Esther states, “desire needs mystery.”

We covet emotional intimacy as the “magic elixir” to a long-lasting relationship but it may
disallow us from engaging in the erotic and preclude our hidden desires and fantasies. Do we love our
partners so much we fear their judgement? Are we afraid to reveal how much we need passion, how
much we hate obligatory sex, or how strongly we need to feel the erotic? What if he/she, this person
who means more to me than anyone else in the Universe, my one, my only…. rejects me? And how can I
know my sexual desires, my sensuous side, if I’ve never explored it before? And why am I so afraid to
find out? And if I’ve found my sensuality, how do I tell her about it? How do I let him know what I want
without putting myself in a place of vulnerability?

But wait… we’re emotionally intimate right? I mean… that’s why all the talking, the discussions,
and the partnering? We should be able to discuss our needs and it should be easy to boot! So why are
we so terrified to talk about sex, desire, eroticism with our love? Maybe its fear of rejection, fear of
judgement, and fear of shame. Another hard truth may be that we’ve never thought about our own
sexuality before, and like anything new, it takes some practice to get it just right. We may also have to
ask ourselves some difficult questions about our relationship, like what part did I play in the death of
poor Eros? I had no problem watching him slowly suffocate from the comfort of the rocket ship window,
but now that I want passion and desire back, I wonder… could I have thrown him a line and reeled him
back into the ship? Could I have turned the rocket off course and picked him up? Could I have invested
in better freaking oxygen tanks?

The past is the past and we can’t change that now, but lucky for us all… all of us humans that is,
Eros can be brought back to life with some self-reflection, some communication, and yeah… some
vulnerability. So maybe the person in this world we can share our erotic passions with is our person, the
one we’re mated to with or without captivity, the one we love. Maybe sharing our sexual desires,
fantasies, playfulness, sensuality and intimacy can be rewarding and enrich our relationship. Esther
makes a rather compelling case and not without a touch of fun, whimsy, and some intelligent sexy.

Want to respark the desire and passion in your long-term relationship?

Schedule an appointment today with Katherine or one of our sex-positive providers by clicking here:
https://resparkscheduling.as.me/schedule.php

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