Learning To Accept Your Sexuality When Coming from a Conservative Family

By: Alyssa Morterud

Growing up in a conservative family is not easy when you’re learning about your own sexuality, as you’re being taught views that go against your internal feelings. If your family is private about sex and has values surrounding a limited public expression of sexuality you may struggle with your sexual self-esteem. Sexual self-esteem is “the feelings you have about your body and your confidence level in how you relate intimately to someone else.” (HuffPost) Childhood experiences have the potential to greatly influence your sexual self-esteem. Dr. Gila Shapiro, a Psychotherapist, and certified Sex Therapist provide us with some insight on this topic in an article for HuffPost. She notes the following:

“We all have sexual stories that begin in early childhood, and these stories influence our later sexuality. The stories come out of the way sex was spoken about (or not) in the family; the religious or cultural ideas about sex in communities; how your caregivers felt about their bodies and showed affection to one another; the experience of touch; first experiences of masturbation, etc.” (HuffPost)

In this sense, growing up in a conservative family can be confusing for those of us who are discovering our sexuality Your family may solely view sex as something that a cis-gender man and woman “do” to conceive a child post-marriage. You may have been raised in a family that taught you it was sinful to masturbate or even think about having sex. Your family may have also subscribed to gender binary ideologies regarding the “proper” way for one to express their sexuality. This can have a harmful impact on one’s comfort and understanding of their sexuality. For example, as per the gender binary stereotypes “girls might absorb the message it’s OK to trade sex for protection or affection, but not to express enjoyment — unless they want people to think of them as “sluts”… boys might grow up believing they have a right to sex and that it’s OK if women don’t enjoy it.” (Healthline) If you’re somebody who enjoys sex and doesn’t believe it’s something that should be hidden or influenced by conservative values, you may have sexual repression as a result of your upbringing. Don’t fret though, sexual shame therapy can help. A certified sex therapist can help you re-learn inclusive ideologies regarding sex-positive culture and help you overcome any feelings of repression.

Sexual Shame Therapy and Sexual Repression

As I noted previously, sexual shame therapy can help treat sexual repression- but what exactly is sexual repression? Sexual repression “refers to deep-seated negative feelings around the very idea of sex. Common themes and behaviors include:

• shame and distress associated with sexual fantasies
• guilt and other negative feelings after sex or masturbation
• difficulty enjoying healthy, consensual sex
• negative self-talk after sexual thoughts or activity
• believing your body is unattractive or unworthy of sex”
  (Healthline)

Sex therapy is a great resource you can use to begin understanding how sexual repression due to coming from a conservative family has impacted your sexuality. One way in which you could work through any feelings of sexual shame with a therapist is by re-educating yourself about sex as an adult. There is a great article written on The Good Trade featuring sex educator Dr. Erica Smith. Smith makes a beautiful point regarding sexuality;

“You are a sexual being literally from birth until death, which means that your learning will be a lifelong process.” So for those of us who feel like the mandated education wasn’t for us, adulthood presents a beautiful opportunity to re-educate ourselves about sex (and pleasure).” (thegoodtrade.com)

Dr. Smith recommends researching the Five Circles of Sexuality to start- this is something that can be done in sexual shame therapy! The Five Circles of Sexuality is a model that breaks down and explains different “categories” of sexuality and it can be used to help you identify the areas in which you lack a sex-positive education. Dr. Smith also provides the following framework for a re-sex education process that can take place with the help of a certified sex therapist:

1. “Learn about your body and how it works. Sex extends beyond the physical, but many programs, including abstinence-only education, do not even cover the basics. I took the Roadmap: Sex class through LOOM and learned more about vaginas and vulvas than I ever did in school.
2. Clarify your sexual values. You don’t have to stick with the beliefs that you were bestowed on from school, church, or your family.
3. Give yourself permission to seek pleasure. This can be fun and nourishing! Pleasure has a place in our sex lives and in our lives as a whole. Embrace it, explore it, invite it.
4. Realize that it is never too late to explore your sexuality. There is no age limit for exploring sex and sexuality. This is amazing news!
5. Advocate for yourself. You are the expert in knowing what’s right for you, so advocate for yourself with partners, doctors, or friends and family who may not be on the same page.”
   (thegoodtrade.com)

The above list is a framework that can be altered to fit your individual needs- it is possible to overcome feelings of shame or sexual repression. Sexuality is fluid and you should be able to express your sexuality freely! There are many ways that you can work on accepting yourself as a sexual being in a conservative family- allow your sexuality to bloom.

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